Let’s talk toilet.

Let’s talk as self-respecting mature fellow-toilet-users. Let’s approach the topic without a potty mouth. Let’s avoid uncontrollable fit of giggles and suspiciously raised eyebrows.

What makes toilet a taboo, why is it a cultural shame? In modern society, toilet rituals are considered private.  We’ve all sort of signed on to this hidden contract promising that whatever happens behind the stall door stays behind the stall door. But everyone uses the same stall, right?  And for the same reasons, right?  So…what exactly is the secret?

The purpose of the Loo in our lives is undeniable and should be appreciated, not concealed. Think about it this way: you will spend an average of 3 entire years of your life on the John. In three years you can earn a law degree and/or go through three full gestation periods (4, if you are really dedicated), resulting in at least three new humans!

And such an important universal fixture was assigned to be “disgusting” and feel ashamed of. We talk bad about the toilet. We say,”down the toilet” meaning something wasted or lost, we say, “in the toilet” meaning something in a bad condition.

Let’s talk toilet in a positive way.

Healthcare is in the toilet. This statement becomes positive if we literally mean ‘Toilet’. Your Toilet is the first to see the earliest signs of your health dysfunction. Rather than supply the samples of our bodily outcome to a medical facility, we should attach a mini-lab to our Stall and get constantly monitored.  Get instant reports of our stuff’s color, clarity, odor, gravity, pH, protein, glucose, nitrites and enzymes. Receive some simple recommendations like “You need more fiber in your diet”. Be given an early warning and avoid getting sick. Visit your doctor only when your Commode recommends a second opinion. Come to the doctor’s office equipped with your own Loo-boratory test results. Never worry again that your personal sample was accidentally switched with some stranger’s. That should be the future of healthcare.

Fitness is in the toilet. Imagine that you are visiting a new place, and all the people have beautiful legs of long distance runners. You would think that the entire community takes part in monthly marathons. You may be wrong. Maybe the place is solely equipped with squat toilets. Squatting will build you beautiful thighs, hips, buttocks and quads. Try.

Etiquette is in the toilet. Imagine that you are visiting this place with nice-legged people, and you notice that they are fiercely avoiding handshakes. You would think that they are afraid of germs. You will be right. You will see water buckets next to the squat toilets. You will understand that they are meant to clean yourself after you do your thing. General guideline is to do it with your left hand (that’s why the common handshake is performed with right), but you never know if the person is a lefty or just confused.

Relationships are in the toilet. So many marriages are ruined by the argument about the toilet seat. It’s a shame. A squat toilet may be an easy solution. But if a civilized couple prefers a sitting Potty, why not go further? With the modern technology, simple sensors can let your Throne acknowledge your approach, lift its lid and invite you to have a sit. Simple voice recognition system can reveal your identity, define your intensions and figure out what to do with the toilet seat. After you are done, the device should automatically close up, flush, ionize, self-clean and deodorize the air. The future of happy marriages is in the toilet.

Heaven is in the toilet. So, you were cordially invited to sit on your technologically-advanced Crapper. Why not go further? Imagine: once you’ve done your thing, a gentle blast of warm water cleans your bottom. Then – butt massage, which relaxes the muscles of the buttocks and helps relieve lower back pain. This is followed by the toilet's air-dry function. How about some music? Most toilets flush in the key of E flat. That’s boring. Choose your own playlist. Select the track that fits your mood. Add some aromatherapy. If this is not heaven, what is?

Luxury is in the toilet. The “golden toilet” expression stands for something ridiculously expensive and useless. So wrong. Why useless? Chinese people say that every opening of our body should see beautiful things. Gold is beautiful. And practical. It’s much better than iron toilet. Iron is cold and gets corroded. Gold never rusts. We don’t call the toilet “Throne” for nothing. The throne is the most important possession in a man’s castle. Let’s pay it some respect. In gold.

Ancient Israelites called the Toilet “House of Honor”. And we should not refer to it as a dirty place. Quite the opposite, it is a vicinity of purification. It is also a symbol of liberation from what you do not need in this life.

Let’s make it gold. Let’s make it hi-tech. Starting your day off on a toilet with all of these luxury features would probably put a pretty good spin on things. And who can put a price on that feeling?