In our lawsuit-obsessed society product manufacturers are forced to cover their you-know-what by writing warning labels. That is to protect us from ourselves. Or, to protect them from us after we fail to protect ourselves.

At times product warnings sound insulting. Like “this product may contain eggs” on a carton of eggs. We are not stupid. We know that this product could potentially have eggs in it. Do they mean there may be no eggs?

We don’t want the manufacturers to doubt our intelligence. The warnings should come with a warning “Not for individuals with common sense”. Assuming, there are individuals without any. Let’s say – dreamers. Or – children at heart. Like children, they believe in magic powers. They believe that Superman can actually fly. The manufacturers should not kill their dreams. Unless the dreamers try to hurt the manufacturers.

A responsible adult, previously considered perfectly adequate, purchased a Harry Potter broom and leaped with it from the roof. His desire to fly was stronger than his common sense. His flight was pretty short but quite successful. He ended up with just a few bruises. Though, it was not as successful for the manufacturer of the broom, who ended up paying a million dollars retribution for damages. Now the broom is supplied with a warning "This item is not an aircraft!" Also, Superman costumes notify you that "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." - in both child and adult sizes.

A mommy dearest from Chicago decided to wash her son… In a washer machine. She did not mean to hurt her offspring. On the contrary, she intended to combine personal hygiene with a water park thrill ride. Luckily the machine stopped just in time to avoid casualties. Don’t be surprised with a "No small children" sign on a Laundromat triple washer.

An imaginative lady from New-York, inspired by a “Sex and the City” episode, where the heroine uses a cervical vertebrae massager for an intimate vibrator, tried to use a curling iron for same exact purpose. When a cold iron failed to deliver desired result, the fun-loving lady plugged it in. The effect was quite exciting, though not much pleasurable. The manufacturer managed to avoid the lawsuit, but to steer clear of future confusions advised "For external use only!"  And also "This product can burn eyes." – to prevent the effect of gangster TV-shows on viewers. And if the “external use” proves to be unclear for common-sensed public, it might be replaced with a more specific “Do not insert curling iron into bodily cavities”. (We warned you).

Another responsible citizen decided to bathe but could not find a sponge. A toilet brush seemed like a valid replacement – ultimately, it is a hygiene product. Unfortunately, the brush was not quite new and has been around the block once or twice. So the poor guy’s cleaned body became a body of work for a dermatologist. The treatment was long and expensive, and our germaphobe decided to pass the payment on the manufacturer. The trial ended in favor of the manufacturer, and an inscription on the toilet brush: "Do not use for personal hygiene." And also: "Do not use orally" – in case another germaphobe loses his toothbrush.

A common-sensed farmer was using a product to deter rodents from the fields. The product is made of dried bobcat urine (industrially produced) and works fine on rodents. Though, it caused an unfortunate effect when the farmer consumed a small serving of the product himself. When regained consciousness, he decided to get some moolah from the company, distributing the drug. Now the label says: "Do not eat!" (We warned you).

As you know, the body temperature can be measured under the armpit, orally and anally. One Washington resident checked the temperature in his rectum and then, to double-check, shoved it in his mouth. The action produced a double effect: he has forgotten about the sickness and focused on getting compensation for moral damages. Now thermometers come with warning: "Do not use orally after using rectally." (Don’t say we didn’t warn you).

If there is a warning – there is a story behind the warning. That means it did actually happen. Or it may happen (which means, it WILL happen).

-         If you read on a portable stroller: "Remove infant before folding for storage" – trust me, it happened more than once.

-          If a hair dryer says: "Do not use in shower", or "Do not use while sleeping", or "Do not use while sleeping or unconscious" – in no doubt, all of these recommendations have history. As well as an unmentioned case “while sleeping in shower”.

-         As careful as common-sensed people are with hazardous appliances, someone created precedents for multiple warnings on a chainsaw. "Do not hold the wrong end of a chainsaw", "Do not attempt to stop the blade with your hands", "Do not attempt to stop the blade with your hands or genitals". (We warned you).

Not all warnings are stupid. Some are absolutely necessary.

-         "Do not drive a car or operate heavy machinery after taking this medication" - is mandatory. (Don’t forget to warn us). Except, when it is written on a bottle of dog’s pills. Now it goes against the common sense. Because dogs can’t read! So the warning will not stop them from operating heavy machinery.

-         Or, "Do not eat if seal is missing". Makes perfect sense. Aside from the fact that the warning is written on the aforesaid seal.

-          Also, nothing is wrong with "Do not turn upside down" printed on the bottom of Tesco's Tiramisu Desert. If only it was not printed on the bottom.

Take it or leave it, but you’ve been warned. So, please

-         Do not iron clothes on body.

-         Do not drop air conditioners out of windows.

- Do not use PMS relief tablets if you have prostate problems.

-         Do not reuse Liquid Plummer bottle to store beverages.

-         Do not aim pepper spray at your own eyes.

-         Do not use disposable razors during an earthquake.

-         Do not use Hose Nozzle to spray into electrical outlet.

-         Do not attempt to install Digital Outdoor Antenna if drunk, pregnant or both.

-         Do not use furniture wipes for baby wipes.

-         Do not pour liquids into television set.

-         Do not activate bathrooms hand dryer with wet hands.

-         Do not sit under coconut trees.

And, above all, do not get annoyed with stupid warnings. While you are smart enough not to do idiotic things, manufacturers are smart enough to protect their … you-know-what … where not to put the thermometer first.