When I tell my friends that my life sucks, they usually say, “At least you have your health”. They want me to feel good about my sucky life, and I want it too. I try to focus on this idea. I still have my health, as long as I can breathe: inhale – exhale, in this particular order. But I want my health to be a good one. I have to take care of it. Especially since I have some alarming family history.

My grandfather never took care of his health. The man smoked like a chimney, drank like a fish and ate tasty unhealthy foods. Guess, what happened? He died. At the age of 98. They said, “Died of natural causes”. What natural causes? It was a suicide! The man was methodically killing himself for 98 years. He never listened to the doctors, he didn’t trust them.

Unlike my grandpa, I want to die healthy. Though, just like my old man, I don’t trust the doctors anymore. They are messing me up. I follow their instructions for years, and then they change their mind. They say, “Oops, that thing we told you to do, is not so good for you. In fact, it is bad. Honestly, it is going to kill you. Sorry, dude”. Now tell me, my life does not suck.

For years I was fighting cholesterol. Because they said, “High cholesterol increases the risk of death”. Very bad. Then they discovered some “good” cholesterol. Then they suggested, cholesterol may be not so bad to begin with. It is doing something good for digestion, metabolism and immune system. It is also the basis for sex hormones and serotonin. So, while fighting cholesterol, I was not only depriving myself of good food, but also of good mood and good sex. No wonder, my life sucks.

Now they say, “LOW cholesterol increases the risk of death”. And so do cholesterol-lowering drugs. Are they trying to kill me? Why did they start that anti-cholesterol hysteria in the first place? They say, they did some research. Oh yes, they did. They fed rabbits with cholesterol. Of course the poor rabbits - pure vegetarians, died of a heart attack.

And now I feel like a laboratory rabbit in a study of neurotic interest in healthy lifestyle.

They said, “You need to drink at least eight glasses of water a day.” They were saying it for a long time. To be exact, since 1945. Some 70 years ago they calculated the healthy intake of water and tested it. Maybe, on rabbits. Maybe, on goldfish. Anyway – 8 glasses a day. At least. The more – the better. To avoid dehydration. If you are thirsty – it is too late. So I followed their recommendation religiously. I did not like the taste of water but kept drinking it hoping that my taste will adapt... It didn’t. I was peeing like a race horse, waiting for my bladder to adapt... It didn’t. But they say, it’s a good thing, since you should not spend too much time in the same position. Drinking water is the best way to force you to get away from your desk from time to time - to go to the toilet. Except, it also forced me to get away from my bed at night, time and time again. I suffered but kept drinking. I was hydration-obsessed. And now they discovered water intoxication. They realized that people can drink themselves to death. Now they say, “If you are thirsty, drink some water. If you are not, don’t.” Wait a second, that’s exactly what my grandpa was doing. If he drank while not thirsty – it was not water.

By the way, does anyone still believe that coffee can sober you up? Forget it. If you've been drinking, spend your money on a cab rather than a cappuccino. Alcohol will stay in your blood as long as it is supposed to. Don’t assume that caffeine as a stimulant will counteract the sedative effect of alcohol. These health advisors are not quite certain about it. You may end up both sleepy and full of life. Coffee just makes it more likely for you to wet your bed. Just go to sleep as soon as you can. Like my grandpa did.

They used to say:”Eating at night makes you fat”. Now they are not so sure. They say, “Maybe.”  And maybe snacks at night are no worse than snacks in the morning or afternoon. Though, they still don’t recommend high calorie snacks at any time. But I don’t trust them anymore. I blame them for years of torture, when I was lusting for a brownie and a scoop of ice-cream while sitting on the toilet in the middle of the night.

They said, “Sugar makes kids hyperactive”. My parents were the first generation to deprive me of sweets for my own sake. Maybe the deficit of candies gave me the original sensation that life sucks. And guess what, sugar has nothing to do with hyperactivity - that’s what they say now. That’s what my grandfather was saying then.

I was striving for sensible lifestyle to enhance and prolong my sucky life. I was following their “healthy theories”, and they kept messing me up. I don’t trust them anymore. These theories are as reliable as old wives' tales and generally as medically advanced as the idea that masturbation causes blindness.

I don’t know what is good for me anymore. But I know that trying to avoid getting sick can kill me.

I think, if my dear grandpa knew his cholesterol level, his life would’ve sucked too. But he did not care about cholesterol. He died of natural causes at the age of 98.