Introducing a consolidated version of “The Cat in the Hat” and other video games!

Warning: the following video game contains disturbing images and strong, bloody violence. If you find it offensive … too bad.

The game begins in the house of a single mother Joan. Joan is at work. She leaves her children, Conrad (destructive and misbehaved boy) and Sally (dull and well-behaved girl) with a babysitter (tired and unpleasant woman). Sally gives a list of tasks to her children:

-         Find a cat

-         Feed the fish

-         Get milk

-         Get mail

-         Calculate the allowances for accomplished tasks.

Task 1: find a cat.

As Sally thinks that she heard something like “meow” from Mom’s bedroom, she starts looking in Joan’s closet. First she finds a skeleton. Sally gets scared and loses her composure. Decomposed Sally in wet pants becomes vulnerable to heavy lightning and electric sockets.  She turns into a weak player.

The skeleton flees from the closet, picks up Sally’s fallen mojo and transforms into Mom’s boyfriend Larry (pompous, lazy, unemployed dude, allergic to cats.)

Horrified Sally hides in the closet between Mom’s footwear. She hears “meow” again, and finds a puss in Joan’s boots. Finding Puss in boots completes the first mission. Sally receives progression points and regains her composure.

Meanwhile, the unpleasant babysitter forces Conrad to clean his room. In the middle of the mess Conrad finds the Cat in the Hat (a giant, anthropomorphic, wise-cracking feline, voiced by Mike Myers). Upon completing the “find a cat” mission, Conrad acquires extra mojo and grows chest hair.

The babysitter does not like animals and tries to kick the Cat out. She would not stop screaming (voiced By Vin Diesel). This annoys the Cat in the Hat. He puts his magic hat on the unpleasant woman and extinguishes her.

Mission accomplished.

Task 2: feed the fish.

Misbehaving chest-haired Conrad writes on Mom’s note “…to the cat”. The Cat in the Hat reads “feed the fish to the cat” and, to help Conrad with the mission, eats the Fish from the fish-tank. On the way to Cat’s mouth the Fish screams obscenities (voiced by Sylvester Stallone).

Attracted by the noise, Sally and Puss in Boots come in. Hungry Puss (voiced by Megan Mullally) confronts the Cat in the Hat about consuming the Fish. Annoyed Cat in the Hat strangles the Puss with Joan’s pantyhose.

Mission failed.

Task 3: get milk.

Brainy Cat in the Hat suggests that milk comes from cows. Conrad, Sally and the Cat board a helicopter and fly to a remote farm. On the way they are attacked by hordes of flying zombies. Conrad kills them all with a BB-gun, acquires extra points, becomes a teenager and develops acne.

Upon arrival to the farm, they meet the milkman, a toothless redneck named Lunokhod  K.G.B. Sputnik, who is in fact an undercover Russian informer Abdul Al Fuqueue (a cold-blooded carpenter, trying to build communism on a remote farm. Voiced by Anna Chapman). Lunokhod tries to mislead the players, saying that his mad cows have swine flu. Analytical Cat in the Hat cracks the conspiracy. He puts his magic hat on the spy’s head and teleports him to Siberia.

The players tie the mad cow to the helicopter propeller and fly home.

Since the cow refuses to fit in refrigerator, they set off for a journey to Alaska to obtain the biggest ice box. However, the helicopter is covered with cow’s manure and can’t be used for transportation. The players choose to travel on a military grade chopper, which they steal from a South African arms dealer.

Mission accomplished.

Task 4: get mail.

The players drive Scooby-Doo Mystery Van to the mailbox. On a speedway they are cut off by the infamous biker gang, returning from the court-ordered rehab.  Bikers try to vandalize the van, but skillful Sally kills them one by one with her slingshot. Sally acquires shooting credits and grows boobs.

During the chase the Cat in the Hat causes some casualties, killing innocent pedestrians. He loses points, and his magic hat stops working as a CD player.

On the way to the mailbox the players see Larry, Mom’s boyfriend, a former skeleton from the closet. Larry enters a suspicious house and looks concerned. (Larry is on a "date mission", exploring relationships with girls through successful dates and other related activities that eventually reward him with new items, like vehicles and special wardrobes).

The Cat and the kids cannot get in the house but from the outside they can hear the noise, which matured big-busted Sally identifies as “sound of intercourse” (voiced by Ron Jeremy, Jenna Jameson, Letha Weapons and Paris Hilton). Appalled Cat declares a personal Apocalypse for Larry. Assorted cats begin to fall out of the sky, causing the death of Larry, who is allergic to cats. For the achievement in justice, the Cat gets extra points, and his hat recaptures the CD player power. On the way home players listen to Billboard's top 40.

Mission accomplished.

Task 5: allowances.

Conrad finds it too hard to calculate. Sally thinks that the allowances will never be sufficient considering everyone’s financial difficulties. The Cat in the Hat suggests that first they need to try and balance the US Budget, but fails to accomplish this mission.

Note: the mission cannot be accomplished as unattainable.

An upgraded version of the game is being loaded.