Good bye, my friends! My dear hard-working, coupons-using, electricity-saving, down-to-earth friends. I don’t think you will see me again.
Don’t try to find me. No, I will not be dead. I will be cruising on my big yacht somewhere around Maldives. Yes, I finally got it. I always knew I would get it. And you always refused to accept my beliefs.
You tried to convince me that it is almost impossible to win the Lottery. But you were losing your case on the “almost” part. You were trying to dishonor my longing for unearned wealth. But you were wrong on the “unearned” part. For years I was buying lottery tickets and entering every contest with a jackpot attached. I’ve earned it! I kept trying until I got it right. You were confusing me with statistics. You knew that I am very bad at math. You told me, I could die in several plane crashes and get hit by lightning a few times before I would win the lottery. Because it is 45 times more likely to die from a lightning strike, a 100000 times more likely to die from a bee sting and a million times more likely to die in an asteroid collision in the year 2029, than win a lottery. But did I care? I’ve never planned to be hit by asteroid. But I’ve always believed that I would hit the jackpot. You told me, the chances of taking the jackpot are 18 million to 1. That’s right, I don’t need to buy 18 million tickets, I only need to buy one. The right one.
Screw your statistics. I am very bad at math. All I know is if a million people buy a ticket for a dollar, it will be a million times one dollar – a million dollars. And if they buy three tickets each, a million dollars times three – will be a trillion. That’s all the math I need. And it worked better than your knotty statistics. Because I finally received this message from Publishing Clearing House:
“You will win a $1O, OOO, OOO.OO fortune…”
Now I am an obnoxious multi-millionaire, and you will never see me again. Actually, no, you will see me once more on the local news. You will see the Prize Patrol at my door with a big check, flowers, balloons and the city mayor. You will see me opening the door - flabbergasted, with a towel around my waist, shirtless, shoeless, and breathless! Like I did not know that they were coming. And then you will never see me again. Because I’ve already rented a hotel room, with cash, under an assumed name. And I’ve already scheduled a plastic surgery. And as soon as I cash the money, I’ll legally change my name and flee to Maldives. To protect myself and my funds. Because I know, bad people will try to kill me, rob me and kidnap me. And good people will harass me for money to start their business, to pay for their surgery, to help them to save the world or, quite the opposite, to support the presidential campaign. Everyone will try to sue me. Unknown women will serve me with paternity suits. And you, my friends, will see me as nothing more than a source of free money.
So good bye, my friends. I am leaving. I’ve got this wonderful message:
“You will win a $1O, OOO, OOO.OO fortune… if you enter on time from this bulletin"
Sure I’ve entered on time. And you know what I did next? I went to my boss and told him everything I thought about him. And I told him where I wish him to go. I was not shy with words. I used the language that best described my feelings. I had this speech ready for a long time, because I knew: one day I would win the lottery.
I believed it so strongly; I even decided to start my money management planning. Ten years ago I went to a bank and asked a lady there, how could I open the best damn savings account and get the best damn financial advisor. Don’t worry, I did not actually say ’damn’. I used much stronger language that best described my feelings. But the damn lady did not like my language and called her manager. The manager told me that they could not tolerate this kind of language, and that I’ve assaulted the nice lady and I had to leave the bank. But when I mentioned that I was just looking for the best way to deposit my big lottery winnings, he switched to my side and said: “Sure, Sir, we will be happy to take your damn check right now, and I apologize for that bitch.” Yes, he actually said ’damn’. Then I told him that right now would not be the best time, since I was yet to guess the winning numbers, and he switched back to the other side. But he kept my language. He was rude. I wonder, how much profit I would’ve brought them if I deposited my check now. But I am very bad at math.
The bank people did not discourage me. I still had my beliefs. So five years ago I went to the Lottery office and asked for an advance. Those people were rude. And they used the language that best described their feelings. I wonder, how much interest I would’ve paid them now. But I am … you know.
All those people did not believe in me. And so did you, my friends. But I won. I finally got this wonderful message:
“You will win a $1O, OOO, OOO.OO fortune… if you enter on time from this bulletin…and the Super Prize number assigned to you matches the winning number drawn”
What the …?! How could I miss this part?
Oh, well, I did not win this time. This does not make me a looser. I still have my beliefs. And I’ll keep trying until I get it right.