Getting married is good. Even better is to live happily ever after. After the wedding it is. If you survive the wedding.
Wedding is most blissful event, an affair to remember, but odds are, it will be remembered as a perfect catastrophe.
The list of wedding disasters is endless and is classified by the cause. Some examples:
- A thunderstorm made the outdoor wedding party perform evacuation dance. The bride and groom were uncovered, but the guests were under a tent. With metal poles.
- Wedding festivities became too fiery when the reception hotel caught fire.
- A new kind of wedding crashers, named Dean, Irene, Rita or Katrina. We mean hurricanes. The real crashers.
- A bride catapulted out of horse-drawn carriage. (A spooked and bolted horse is also a force of nature.)
- Overwhelming nuptials syndrome: passing out at the altar. Affects brides, grooms, bridesmaids, and in rare instances – ministers.
- Wedding-induced food poisoning. Bride loses it all over her gown. The party survives on emergency supplies of Pepto-Bismol, plastic barf bags and improvised outside bathroom facilities.
- Waiting-too-long disorder: 101 years old great-grandmother dies in the lounge outside of the reception hall.
- Bridal shop going bankrupt after you bought the dress. The times are tough, beading and pearling outsourced to India and there is no one to sue.
- The booked venue closes for emergency renovation. You took so long to arrange your wedding – the building starts falling apart.
- Stylist got double-booked. The entire bridal party frantically shampoos, blow-dries and untangles minutes before the ceremony.
- The caterer was shut down by the health department. You ended up ordering Chinese takeout for 150 guests. Fortune cookies served as party favors.
- You can’t pay for what you’ve planned.
- You can’t plan a wedding on what you can pay.
- Arrests of blushing brides, proud grooms, the happy couple or the entire wedding party.
- Bride throwing cake (in plates) at her new husband.
- Groom throwing flowers (in vases) at his new wife.
- Guests throwing chairs at each other.
- Parents of the newlyweds throwing instruments at the band.
- Tangling with law enforcement: Groom giving obscene gestures to the police. Bride attempts to bite an officer who puts her in the back of a police car.
- A guest shooting himself playing Russian roulette during the reception.
- The Best Man robbing the DJ.
- The wedding limo being carjacked outside church moments before the ceremony.
- After ceremony, everyone takes off to the off-site reception. Including the newlyweds’ designated ride. No one remembers to take the bride and groom with them.
‘That dizzy, drunk feeling’disasters
They say: “It’s never too much Champagne for the wedding”. Unfortunately, sometimes it is. Causing extensive puking, eccentric dancing, unforgettable speeches and multiple occurrences of Medical, Illicit and Miscellaneous disasters.
In truth, you name it – any disaster can ruin your Big Day. And so you develop an acute case of Wedding Psychosis that, by the way, is a frightful malady and should be classified as a real disease.
And so you try to plan your wedding meticulously, fanatically and suspiciously. You try to shield yourself from any possible disaster. And you don’t realize it when the wedding planning becomes a disaster itself.
Nuptial development disaster
Try to avoid it. Try not to break up right before the wedding. Especially after you’ve already paid for the thing. Try this:
- Spend two minutes a day talking to each other about something other than the wedding. Remind each other why you are getting married in the first place. Use the L-word, the BFF word, the s-e-x word. Don’t use the word ‘wedding’.
- Argue only about the subject you're arguing about. If you start with a debate about a five-piece band versus a disc jockey, don’t launch into a general discussion about how one of you is tightwad and the other a spendthrift.
- Men (usually more horrified with the planning thing): ask questions. There is a line between wanting to know and being too involved. This is where many grooms may not succeed. Ask open-ended questions that don't have a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer. This gives your bride the chance to share with you as much information as she wants. Don’t forget to nod.
- Ladies (usually more invested in the planning thing): act smart. You don’t need him to make executive decisions, but you want to feel supported. Get him excited about being part of the planning process without thinking of it as an exhausting chore. Consider giving him things he can do in front of the TV: stuffing the invitations, folding the programs, licking the envelopes.
- Buy wedding insurance. You will be covered against bad weather, airport delays, military call-ups, groom’s appendicitis attack the day before the wedding, bride’s allergy to rehearsal-dinner-stone-crabs, lawsuits from an exuberant guest who slipped and fell in the conga line, and more. Some insurance companies may even cover the “change of heart”. If the wedding does not go smoothly because of a runaway bride or a reluctant groom with cold feet, the injured party may be reimbursed. Or at least covered for therapy.
- Be careful with the guest list. What if they all will show up?
- Do not overspend on food. Most people are on diets anyway. And cake leftovers do not fit into the refrigerator.
- Don’t pay the minister the same fee as you may eventually pay the divorce lawyer.
And for Better or Worse - don't let rain, fire or a sprained ankle ruin your Big Day.