Once I was a spring chicken. Now I am an old dog. I love to be an old dog. I don’t want to be a spring chicken again. But I want to look like one. Why? Because young means beautiful. Why? This I don’t know. Young is definitely more functional. But more beautiful?

Beauty is primarily determined by culture. There are cultures, considering low cheek bones, small eyes, big ears and noses, and big bellies the epidemy of beauty. Let them.

But how come minor age-alterations within the same culture are turning the to-die-for beauty into to-die-soon beauty? This is a conspiracy of media and cosmetic businesses, fooling us to make their big profit. Young looks better, smells better and sells better. They attack us from magazines covers, TV, radio and Internet, and we let them. Why?

We love antique. We deliberately make brand new furniture and décor look old. Why? Because old is more beautiful. Aha! Why does not it apply to our body image?

We love good wine. Good aged wine. Why? Because as a wine ages, its flavors become more subtle. Aha!

Another example from the Nature. A leaf starts as a tiny bud, then becomes green (and, yes, functional), then turns beautiful yellow-red-brown, then falls and dies. It dies at its most gorgeous!

Ultimately, we are born to die. We are supposed to reach our best by the time of the departure.

Kids want to look older – that’s the right approach. And then the “over-the-hill” happens. What does it have to do with beauty? We sure lose some functional privileges on the other side of the hill. But we gain confidence, wisdom, respect AND beauty. So why are we trying to conceal our well-deserved gorgeousness? Fighting our nature, we pursue outrageous unnatural actions. We use Caviar as face cream (this stuff should be eaten), Snake Venom for facials (not as suicide attempt), Preparation H for eye bags treatment (hemorrhoid cream should be applied to the area far from eyes), Bull Semen for hair treatment (I would rather stick with caviar), Leech Therapy (instead of donating blood for a good cause) and more. What’s wrong with us?

One day we will realize that Youthology theory is just a business trick, and let the Nature be our beautician.

Does it mean that the cosmetic business will die? Not at all. There will be lot of people who can’t underage gracefully. They will need help. Some creative visionaries are currently working on a new beauty concept – the Maturology. They already outline extraordinary business plans and advertising campaigns:

Skin Therapy

Are you wondering why your skin does not obey the law of gravity? Why it refuses to sag and hang down? We have the answer! You are suffering from immature skin condition. It is easy to fix. We will remove collagen from your outer layer. We will dehydrate your skin and craft irresistible dry patches and flakes. In our state-of-the-art labs we will expose you to sun, free radicals, pollution and alcohol. We guarantee a perfectly drooping skin without surgical procedure. We also offer surgical procedures.

We perform melanin-blocking therapy to achieve perfectly pale, wan skin color.

Our tattoo artists will sketch striking crow’s feet around your eyes. We are proud to say that our crow has really big feet.

For more dramatic results try our wrinkle draping procedure and advanced scarring method.

Our Lipofuscin infusion guarantees permanent appearance of liver spots on your hands.

Weight management

Suffering from slim disorder? Tired of people in the streets offering you a sandwich?

Overeating can take a long time and the acquired fat may not stay on.

Stop yo-yo’ing. Our lipo-infusion will make you fat and fabulous in no time.

Also try our thigh-and-butt implants, lower belly implants, upper belly implants, total belly (fetus-size) implants and our most famous love handles implants.

Hair removal and restoration

We will pluck unwanted hair from your head. Your stylish receding hairdo will make the world jealous. For more dramatic look try our electrolyses and laser procedure.

For your remaining hair we offer a variety of grey hair color, from silver to ashes to snow-white. Enjoy your dying experience!

We will trim and dwindle your eye-lashes, we’ll also tone their color down not to emphasize your eyes in a hideous juvenile manner.

Specials for immature women: hair implants for chin and upper lip.

Breast reinforcement

Embarrassed with your perky breasts misguidedly pointing North? It’s never too early for a boob job.  Let us take care of your most feminine assets. We will redirect them South, deflate them and enhance the length. We will reattach the nipples and accurately line them up with your belly button.

These are just a few examples of cosmetic procedures assisting the Nature, rather than fighting it. One day we will acknowledge that it’s the right way to go.

One day. When people realize that old is beautiful.

As of now, I’m not a spring chicken. And I kind of want to look like one.