Happy Holidays, Ladies and Gentlemen! Let you be all Merry-Happy!

Holidays season – high spirit, high expectations, high resolutions. The time when our bellies expand and our wallets shrink. Shopping-wrapping-giving-receiving. Did you get what you wished for? Did you give what they wished for? How much did it cost? Everyone knows, gifts are not about the monetary value, but not everyone agrees.

-         Did you get my present on sale, you cheap bastard?

I am not cheap. I just forgot to take the price tag off.

-         This year I’ll give you some nice jewelry. How about that?

-         Jewelry is nice, but I’ve asked for a car.

(Do I need to explain how hard it is to find a fake car?)

-         You wanted a car? I thought, you said CAR(D). You always swallow the last letter.

I’ll definitely go with a card. Card is good. Card says, I am thinking of you. I am greeting, and you are greedy. How can a metal box on wheels be more desired than an artistic package of my feelings and expressions designed to make you feel delighted and honored?

Why everything in this world should come with a price tag?  There are some things which are invaluable, like the feelings of our loved ones. So, I send you a greeting card. No, I MAKE you a greeting card. MYSELF. And I don’t mean gluing colored glitter to a piece of stationery. I make you an E-CARD.

-         You cheap bastard. You couldn’t even pay for a real card. You even saved on a single post stamp and a gallon of gas to go to the mall.

That’s not true. I just wanted the card to express myself, not someone else’s version of me. I did not want “Merry… and Happy…”, or “Season’s greetings”, or “World peace”. I wanted my own. Like, “May your hair, your teeth, your face-lift, your abs and your stocks not fall; and may your blood pressure, your triglycerides, your cholesterol, your white blood count and your mortgage interest not rise!” Or something like this, just my own. Like, “May you accept your New Year resolutions failure gracefully.”

I design an E-card with my E-motions... I construct it with my emotions, thoughts and budget in mind. Yes, budget. The economy is tough. Even Santa was laid off this year.  Will be good if we find a stimulus package under the Christmas tree.

E-cards are E-conomical but E-fficient. They are art and they are fun. I make my E-greet animated, singing, dancing and sending a great message.  I make it E-ntertaining. I am squeezing out all my creative juices to amplify the joy and pleasure. I want to bring you a smile, a giggle or a hardy laugh. Humor is the greatest gift of all.

How about that: instead of typical “May the season bring you the music of laughter, the warmth of friendship and love “- I give you E-xceptional "Wishing you a holiday season filled with stress, cold, and anger.” Hey, at least this is realistic. And funny.

-         This is not funny at all, you cynical bastard. It’s as stupid as your unwise wisecrack for my birthday: “You look great for your age... Almost Lifelike!"

Apparently, you don’t like my humor. Maybe, you just don’t understand my E-sthetics.  I still hope you can E-mbrace the great idea of the E-card. It does not need to be printed on paper, so no trees are killed. How about that? I am not saving on expensive cards; I am saving the priceless environment.

-         Are you turning green now, you cheap bastard?

Does not look like my gift idea is working. But I still like it. I like the motif, the sound effects and animation. And I finally came up with the text:

“There have been many times in the past year when I disturbed you, irritated you, troubled you, bugged you and annoyed you. Today as a New Year is approaching I just want to tell you this: All through the New Year I plan to continue doing it!”

And for the rest of you: “Happy Holidays, Ladies and Gentlemen! Let you all be loved!”