It is yet to be determined, if we are dealing with a saint, a myth, a real fellow or an international criminal group. What is certain, it is a world-known phenomenon, an A-list celebrity, worth investigating.
Name: ‘Santa Claus’ aka ‘Father Frost’ aka ‘Father Christmas’ aka ‘Winter Grandfather’ aka ‘St. Nicholas’ aka ‘Pere Noel’ aka ‘Ded Moroz’ aka ‘Noel Baba’ aka ‘Christkindle’ aka ‘Joulupukki’ aka ‘Papa Pasquale’ aka ‘Babo Natale’ aka ‘Dun Che Lao Ren’ aka ‘Segatsu-san’ aka… it is a separate document for all the reported nick-names of the subject.
Astrological Sign: Capricorn
Primary Residence: Lapland.
- White beard, half-moon glasses, jelly belly, ridiculous red ensemble with fluffy trim, juvenile hat with white bobble.
- Occasionally: red nose, smoking pipe, alcohol breath.
Marital status: Mostly known as a bachelor. Some official sources report a domestic partner with a matching ambiguity of names – Mrs Jessica Mary Claus (maiden name Mary Christmas) aka ‘Goody’ aka ‘Ma’ aka ‘Matha’ aka ‘Dolores’ aka ‘Layla’. However, Finland authorities have evidence of an official wife Muori.
Children: No legitimate offspring reported. Though, Russian establishment insists, that a certain Santa’s tenant - young Snow Maiden named Snegurochka, is his biological granddaughter.
Origin: The most popular legend – Santa is a reincarnation of Saint Nicholas – an archbishop, who lived in 4th century somewhere in Turkey and was known for charitable deeds to sailors, poor people and especially children.
- A CEO of Global Supply Chain corporation - employs an unspecified number of elves who produce and gift-wrap the presents.
- A customer service representative – takes orders from prospective clients. Accepts old-fashion letters, emails and telepathic pleas.
- A judge – sentences clients to ‘naughty’ or ‘nice’.
- A part-time delivery driver (One day a year).
Sources of income: None is reported to IRS. Though, the subject is known for many lucrative endorsement deals. The most legendary is the powerful Coca-Cola campaign, that almost turned the product into ‘Santa-Cola’ and the promoter into ‘Coca-Claus’. Also known for soap advertisements (‘wash your chimney’), frivolous ladies stockings ads (Mr. Claus delivering silk hosiery filled with live bombshells), cigarettes (‘to put a smile in your smoking’) and eventually -everything else.
Means of transportation: The primary vehicle is a sleigh powered by a flying reindeer or a team of flying reindeers. Also seen travelling by goats, donkeys, skis, stilts, boats, etc.
- Overeating. That is, in Santa’s case, an occupational hazard. Every family is supposed to serve him cookies and whole milk, which he is supposed to consume politely, leaving just a symbolic bunch of crumbs. Some concerned families already started to serve a small salad and a diet beverage instead, along with a note “take care of your health, Santa”.
- Smoking. After centuries of nicotine addiction, Santa is trying not to advertize his dependence these days, due to an aggressive anti-smoking campaign.
- Can squeeze his jolly, but overweight body down a narrow chimney.
- Where it is no chimney, penetrates most inaccessible premises, shamelessly unlocks any door with some universal passkey and avoids the burglar alarm.
- Can shove all kinds of bulky stuff into clean hanging socks (while known for clear antipathy to dirty socks strewn around the room).
- Multiple names contemplate multiple identities, which contemplate criminal activities.
- Law-abiding citizens don’t live this long.
- Numerous cases of unreported breaking and entering.
- Reindeers can’t fly.
- Santa’s delivery shift breaks the rules of physics. There are over 90 million Christian homes with children under 18. It is hardly possible to visit them all in 24 hours. Even if we assume that the old man is smart enough to travel east to west that prolongs his shift to 31 hours, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth; 31 hours are still not enough. Considering, there is at least 1 ‘good’ child per household, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and restart the reindeer. Even taking into consideration modern transportation technology and GPS, we find the logistics schedule suspicious.
- No sleigh can carry thousands tons of gifts (plus a significantly overweight Santa) and move at 650 miles per second. The air resistance will put the cloven-hoofed spacecraft on fire, and entire reindeer team (together with the jockey Santa) will be vaporized. This makes us think that Mr. Claus is using some kind of alien technology.
Suggested legends (based on inductive reasoning):
- Santa Claus is unmarried elderly prankster, secretly getting into people's houses by utilizing generally accepted Holiday tradition.
- Santa Claus is a Christian-world-wide criminal chain, secretly getting into people's houses by utilizing generally accepted Holiday tradition.
- Santa Claus is an alien invader, collecting our secret information that is whispered into his ears.
- Santa Claus is a myth invented and staged by Industrial monopolists to acquire additional profit in many sectors of economy, from the department stores to the entertainment industry, from toy shops and manufacturers to the makers of wrapping paper, stockings, red hats with bobbles, etc.
- Santa Claus is a myth invented by agnostics, atheists, free-thinkers, liberals, and secular humanists to compete for attention with Jesus Christ and destroy the real Christian message of Christmas.
- Santa Clause is an outcome of parents’ conspiracy against kids. He makes children delusional and happy, which is good for their psychological development (ho-ho-hopefully).