We don’t even need to quote the above complaint – the title says it all. So, the pizza delivery guy took a piss in the client’s driveway. The (literally) pissed customer followed his offender to the store “to return his order and complain, and saw him handling another delivery order - without washing his hands! “ Naturally, if the guy did not have a decent place to pee between deliveries, how could he find a place for hands hygiene? And really, how long-shift drivers are supposed to deal with calls of nature? Public lavatories are not available in residential areas or interstate highways. So the drivers are forced to go roadside using their vehicles as a privacy barrier. Or wear diapers. Or train their bodies to keep the pee-pee and recycle it.

This is an interesting topic, but not the subject of our blog. We are talking about people touching our foodstuff with their non-sterile hands.

And honestly the delivery guy should be our least concern. He usually only touches the boxes, surrounding our food. The person who actually cooked the order is a different story. Do we know if that person washed his hands? Good if he washed, but did he used soap? Good if he used, but who touched the soap dispenser or bar right before him? Good if he opened a new bar or squeezed the dispenser with his elbow or knee, but how did he dry his hands? Good if he used clean paper towels or pushed the hand dryer with his forehead, but how did he exit the bathroom? Good if someone opened the door from outside and he slipped through without touching that disease ridden door knob. And really-really good if he used the surgical hand washing technique. But we know that this is not happening. And we are in danger of some random individual touching our food with suspicious hands.

We are very skeptical about street vendors. Mostly about the food quality and unsafe storage. And what about the seller? Does he/she always look nice and neat? Good thing - he/she is not in a remote kitchen and we can watch him/her cooking/serving our food. But do we know what this person was doing a minute ago? We can’t follow him/her to the bathroom, but if we’ll stare at them for a while, we may see lot of interesting activities. We may see them scratching you-know-where and picking their you-know-what. We may see them having a break, sitting on a street bench, relaxing their feet, let’s be specific - massaging their bare feet, having their fingers between their toes (totally specific). No hand washing is followed. “Do you want more relish on your hot-dog?”

Let’s say, we have a neat and intelligent street seller, who does not pick his/her nose (teeth, ears…) and does not scratch feet (butt, balls…). They are still touching the raw meat (chicken, kabobs, hot dogs…) while cooking; and then lay the same hands on our food while serving. Good if they have these plastic/rubber gloves, but do they change the gloves every time between raw and cooked product? Good if they change the gloves every time, but do they touch a fresh glove with already unsanitary hand? Sure they do – how else? And what about dirty money? Literary dirty. The same person has to get in contact with valuable paper that may be more hazardous than rotting raw meat.

All right, stay away from street vendors, even though the food is cheap, convenient and smells good. In case of extreme hunger attack in the middle of the street, you will need to choose between possible death of starvation and possible food poisoning (that can also be lethal).
Better go to a restaurant. We think that upscale eateries are safer than fast-food chains, though inside fast-foods we usually see the kitchen and can keep an eye on those touching our food. But do we know what they were doing a minute ago outside our visual field? Was it followed by a hands-wash? From the other side, do we know what is going on behind the closed doors of a posh restaurant kitchen? Do we know if we are endangered by a psycho cook or server, who is intentionally vandalizing our meal?

Now we’ll bring up some nauseating discoveries in restaurant meal. And we are not talking about homeless cockroaches fallen asleep in your salad – only about ‘human touch’ to your cuisine.

Caution: if you are genuinely sensitive or planning to eat soon (and still haven’t lost your appetite), please skip the following paragraph.

1. McDonalds, Alabama, 1995. A man found a condom in his burger. (No information on whether it was used or new).
2. McCormick and Smicks’s seafood restaurant, Southern California, 2002. Another condom, this time in clam chowder and consequently mistaken for calamari. It took some intense chewing before the lady realized that the calamari was a bit too rubbery.
3. Carl’s Jr restaurant, Colorado, 1995. A plastic glove on the bottom of salad. (At least we know that the personnel are wearing protective gloves).
4. Taco Bell, California, 1999. A chewing gum inside a taco. (Maybe it was used to keep the walls of standing taco, well…standing).
5. McDonalds, Virginia, 2002. Two used bandages in quarter pounder. (We do appreciate dedicated employees, who keep working with injury).
6. Arby’s, Ohio, 2004. Another injured employee left a piece of his thumb in a sandwich. (‘Finger sandwiches’ should be added to the McD’s menu).

And there is a long inventory of ‘surprise’ ingredients like soap, acid, phlegm, hair, cigarettes, broken glass, fingernails, staples, hypodermic needles and other sharp metal objects. We could’ve also mentioned the psychos, releasing their anger or sharing their DNA with customers, but we’ll not. We respect our sensitive readers; and this information is way too graphic.

So, protect your body, don’t go out, stay home and cook. But do you trust the groceries, purchased in a supermarket? (And again, we are only talking about ‘human touch’.) Not every edible item can be washed. Do you know who touched your provision before you? Even with pre-packaged and sealed goods – do you know who packaged them? And by the way, do you always sanitize your shopping cart before touching it? Do you ever? Do you know what can be on its handle? Actually, you don’t want to know…

A good suggestion would be to grow your food yourself. It works if you live on a farm. Otherwise you need to keep a cow on your balcony, chickens in your bedroom, fish in your bathtub and grow vegetables on all the remaining living space.

That is tough. Life is tough anyway. And often disgusting. But we are tough too. Our body is well adjusted to the disgusting environment. Our body is able to fight loads of germs and toxins. This tough body will successfully consume any disgusting substance if this substance does not carry real medical hazard. It is our brain that makes us barf. And we are much happier not knowing what’s in our sandwich.

Whoever planned to have a meal now – bon appétit!