We call it ‘Bad Language’. We call it inappropriate. It is indeed – in Sunday sermon, elementary school classroom or Olympic Games opening speech. But when we need a sudden discharge of acute emotion – ‘bad’ is pretty darn good. Short and loud. Conveying sensation, which is, by nature, ineffable. Relieving the tension, that is otherwise irremovable.

Mark Twain said, "Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer."

Let’s define the circumstances. Profanity should be allowed and recommended for:

- Swearing while driving (SWD). It is safe, effective, and helps avoid collision while looking for an appropriate word for the son of a motherless goat, who has just cut you off. Restrictions may apply, such as: passengers, puritan passengers, driving convertible, driving school bus, using sign language that requires taking both hands off the steering wheel.

- swearing while watching a sporting event. Restrictions: neighbors, puritan neighbors, the-opposite-team-fan neighbors.
- watching your candidate win an election and
- watching the opposing candidate win an election (for restrictions see the previous bullet)
- eating hot sauce
- hitting your thumb with a hammer
- finding a mouse in your house
- finding serpents on an airplane

In other real-life situations you just need to be very intuitive and cautious and pick the right time and the right person with whom to exchange linguistic indelicacies. For example, don’t exercise your profanity skills with someone who is:

- Crazy
- Armed
- Bigger than you
- Faster than you
- Signing your paycheck.

You don’t need to use the dirty words. As well as you don’t need to wear jewelry, decorate your apartment or put dressing in your salad. That is all extras. Can live without it. But sometimes extras become essentials. Imagine taking the curse words out of rap song lyrics. Would you understand what the song is about? Not likely. Or if you clean up a stand-up comedy act, the beeping act will become twenty beeping minutes shorter, but what the beep, may still be sort of beeping funny for a part of the mother-beeping audience.

Use it or not, the foul language exists and you can’t avoid it. Sometimes it affects the normative vocabulary, and you cannot percept common words naturally anymore. You blush when zoologists refer to a female dog with a legitimate scientific definition. Guys with noble respectful name Richard are not comfortable with their nick-name. And this strange question: “Are you swearing during sex?” During sex it is not swearing – it is guiding.

We are trying to hide the dirty words. While speaking, we mask them with valid ones, either starting with the same letter or rhyming with the forbidden word. In writing we use special symbols to replace a part or the whole expression. "G**da*n it you a**h*l*, don't you ever **c*ing e-mail me again or I'll *** ******* **** you ***** in the ****”. In a common language we sometimes replace a word with a symbol and then start to use the symbol’s name instead of the word. Like, ‘I heart my car’. We can try to use this technique for camouflaging the curse words. How is that: ‘You f-dash-dash-dash-ing a-star-star-hole, stop this bull-pound-pound-pound-pound”?

In any case, be creative. Cursing can be a sign of lacking vocabulary, as well as impressive expertise in linguistics. Cuss in style, be a profanity poet, use different parts of speech and non-trivial variations. If English language does not provide enough variety, learn to swear in foreign language. That will help you look more intellectual and well-traveled, and also give you freedom of expression in public places. However, there is a slim chance, that in a random public place you can bump into a certain motherfather, who understands this particular language or just this particular fraction of the language. Never forget about vigilant members of society, surrounding you. They may not like your spoken style. They may disagree with your colorful descriptions and protest a message on your t-shirt. And you may have to adjust to their contempt.

A real-life example: a woman named Kim ordered a personalized license plate stating “Big Kim” as a reference to her big personality. The intricate text was misspelled and appeared as “B1g Kim”. Upset with the blooper and suffering from attitude modification, the woman changed her request to “Bioch”, which also can be referred to as misspelling. The order came through, and Kim was driving the “Bioch” until some mindful citizen reported it to motor vehicle commission as motorized assault. Forced to choose a new license plate, tired Kim just muttered "whatever", that passed as an answer and, of course was misspelled. Kim’s new plate says “WHAEVER”, nobody knows whaever the truck it means, but nobody complains.

We have to deal with lot of bullspit in our live. We try to do it with elegance and dignity, and we certainly appreciate the therapeutic effect of a delicately constructed phrase, using obscenity as a form of oral anger management.

The First Amendment guarantees us the right to articulate four letter words, as well as some three-, five- and seven-letter words.
With this I’ll shut the front door, and God Bless America.