David Bakke is a contributor for Money Crashers Personal Finance where he talks about smart money management and shopping tips.

Let’s say you just received a product or service from a vendor that you’re less than satisfied with. You attempt to return the purchase or get a refund on the service, but the vendor is unwilling to work with you. Are you out of options? Absolutely not. And the best weapon you may have in your arsenal is a credit card dispute or chargeback.

All credit and debit cards offer dispute resolution as an option, and as long as you understand the rules and your claim is legit, most often you’re going to get a favorable ruling. The process can be complex, but if you’re talking about a major purchase such as an airline flight or a suite of home furniture, it’s almost always in your best interest to pursue it. If you’ve never been through a credit card dispute before, here’s an inside look as to how they work:

1. Call Customer Service
Your first step is to use your credit card wisely and avoid falling into the many pitfalls card ownership presents. Assuming you do that, there are many credit card perks and benefits you can take advantage of. If you have a valid dispute to make, call your card company’s customer service department immediately. Find out exactly what the process is and what paperwork you’re going need. Generally, you’re going to be assigned a specific agent to handle your claim, so be sure to write down all contact information along with instructions on how to proceed.

2. Assemble Your Documents
Next, you want bullet-proof documentation of the company’s misstep. Did they not provide the exact product you purchased? Did it arrive damaged? Did you never receive it at all? Did it not work as advertised, or was the service not adequately provided? No matter the exact details of your situation, it’s essential that you have all documentation and photographs at your disposal to back up any claims you’re making.

3. Keep Track of the Process
The process can be lengthy, so stay in constant contact with the representative handling your case. You don’t want to be rude and overly pushy, but you do want to make sure your situation is still on their radar and being addressed and expedited. Be sure to take note of the dates and times of all conversations you have with your agent, along with a brief summary of what was discussed.

4. Follow-Up to Ensure You Received Your Refund
Once your refund is approved, be sure to follow through to ensure that it’s actually credited to your account. It may take some time, so always ask the rep handling your case when you can expect to see it applied to your credit card statement. If it still hasn’t shown up when you were told it would, follow-up immediately. In a big company, it’s easy to get lost in the shuffle.

5. Appeal a Denied Dispute
If your original dispute is denied, it may not be the end of the road for you. Ask to speak to a supervisor to see if there are any other options you may have. Is there an appeals process? Can a higher-up at the credit card company help re-open the investigation? If these don’t work, you can try contacting your state Attorney General’s office or the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau. Explain your situation to them and see if there are any other options at your disposal.

Final Thoughts
Before you begin a credit card dispute process, make sure you’ve done all you can to work things out amicably with the business in question. It’s much faster and cleaner than going through a dispute process, and if you warn that you’re considering one, the business may elect to avoid the dispute and settle. In addition, most credit card companies require that you attempt to do this before it accepts your dispute. Credit card disputes are a great way to recoup your money for an efective product or unsatisfactory service, just understand that they’re meant only as a last resort.

Have you ever disputed a credit card purchase?

By Vladimir Nardin, PissedConsumer.com 

A good guitar shouldn’t cost a fortune. Right?

That’s what most consumers believe, and the market has responded in some unscrupulous ways. Brands like Apollo, Aspen and Rockinbetter make no bones about it — they’re not the same as the higher-priced brand-name guitar whose design and sound they’re trying to emulate. Other guitars aren’t at all what they appear to be. Everything down to the slapped-on insignia looks like the genuine article, but after a few minutes of strumming a subpar instrument you’ll be left singing the blues.

An article in the December 2009 issue of Premier Guitar magazine explored this topic at length: “Then the conversation turned to Chinese counterfeit Gibson guitars, and how they were coming into this country and fooling astute guitarists, famous rock stars and guitar dealers who should know better. I learned that counterfeit guitars have regularly shown up on eBay, where people have been—and continue to be—scammed out of their hard-earned money, thinking they were buying a real Les Paul, Stratocaster, Paul Reed Smith, or other well-known instrument.”

If experienced musicians are getting fooled by knockoff guitars, what are you and I to do? Buying directly from a factory’s website seems like a safer alternative than eBay, Craigslist or other second-hand sites, but even this isn’t foolproof. One aspiring guitarist describing his experience with the Fender factory on the website PissedConsumer.com, owned by market research firm Opinion Corp., wrote ”Fender refuses to replace the guitar and only offers to fix the guitar in 6, yes, six months. Do not buy Fender guitars ever, their warranty and services are awful.”

In reality, there’s no way to entirely guard against buying a knockoff guitar disguised as a brand-name instrument. However, consumers can take steps to increase their odds of buying the best guitar possible.

Tip 1: Don’t purchase a guitar online. The price may be tempting and the retailer may be reputable, but you can’t put a price tag on being able to test a guitar for yourself in the store. This goes for any musical instrument, but the expansion of the knockoff guitar market makes it all the more true. A reputable instrument dealer is always going to be more vigilant against the black market than, say, eBay.

Tip 2: Know how you’re going to use the guitar and make your purchase accordingly. Are you a serious musician planning on making a recording or a giving a live performance? In that case, an audience can hear and judge the sound of your guitar at a high volume. The instrument needs to sound clear and crisp. Don’t skimp on quality, as an expert ear will be able to tell the difference between a genuine guitar and a cheap knockoff.

The rules are different if you’re not a performing musician, or if you’re just planning to use the guitar for practice at home. A cheaper guitar will likely require more long-term maintenance, or have a different feel from a more expensive model, but the basic mechanics of playing the instrument will be the same. The sound quality only needs to meet your basic standards — not someone else’s.

Tip 3: Always have this question in your back pocket: “How do we know it’s not a knockoff?” With enough experience, anyone can identify specific features that associate a genuine guitar with its maker – Fender, Gibson, Ibanez, Gretsch, Rickenbacker, et. al. Each comes with its own set of quirks. Some of these companies have been producing guitars for a century, making those quirks tougher for an unscrupulous guitar maker to emulate. A good clerk can answer the question by pointing to the guitar, so don’t be afraid to walk away if they can’t.

Knockoff brands have been filtering through the guitar market long enough that a silver lining has emerged: Some of them are actually pretty good. By getting the best sound out of lower-cost materials and increasing the quality of their craft, knockoff guitar makers have driven down the cost of a good instrument. As long as you’re a musician and not a collector, learning your guitar isn’t a genuine Les Paul doesn’t have to be a bummer if you’re happy with the sound.

Once you know what guitar you want, and what you’re able to get within your price range, you can rest easy and rock on.

The most Sophisticated and Integrated Consumer Review Site on the Internet, PissedConsumer.com, Offers Home Page Review Posting

New York, NY – Market research firm Opinion Corp’s consumer complaint site PissedConsumer.com announces today that it is the first consumer review site to allow consumers to move their reviews to the home page of PissedConsumer.com for a subscription fee of $5.99/month, making an industry first.

After posting a review, consumers have an option to pay a fee of $5.99 a month to have their review featured on the first page of PissedConsumer.com for as long as the subscription is valid. With more than 5 million page views per month, front page review posting allows consumers to have their complaint seen prominently.

“We have made this subscription available to customers who are passionate about their reviews and want to share their experiences prominently on the PissedConsumer.com home page,” said PissedConsumer.com Executive Director, Vladimir Nardin. “No other consumer review sites offer this capability.”

PissedConsumer.com is one of the largest review portals and fastest growing site in consumer complaints segment. Site offers a lot of posting options and provides information for consumers in multiple dimensions: industry categories, geospatial analysis and corporate brand and products.

The travel industry has rebounded nicely from the 2008 recession, but some things never change: Vacation travel and frustration go hand-in-hand from the time we leave the airport.

In the most recent data released by the U.S. Travel Association, direct spending on leisure and travel by domestic and international travelers totaled $564 billion in 2011. The economic impact of adults who have cancelled vacations, or grew tired with the hassles of air travel and got turned off from taking off, is just as staggering.

A June 2008 study by the USTA noted that “a deep frustration among air travelers caused them to avoid an estimated 41 million trips over the past 12 months at a cost of more than $26 billion to the U.S. economy.” In more recent data, the Traveler Sentiment Index hasn’t been above 100 (which indicates a more positive than negative perception) since 2007. The index fell as low as 78.2 in 2009 before rebounding to 93.5 in April 2012 — still well short of the 100 score recorded in March 2007, according to USTA and MMGY Global data.

A common culprit seems to be the “all-inclusive vacation.”

The concept sounds too good to be true. Pay upfront for your entire package — food, lodging and ground transportation — then just sit back and enjoy your vacation. Companies have been providing this service for decades with travelers booking by phone. In the last 10 years, online outlets have made it easier to select your own round-trip flights as well.

Often, it is too good to be true. One recurring problem is that the company providing the “all-inclusive” package typically doesn’t own the hotel, the transportation company, or the activities you choose — it merely books the arrangements. Try to take a complaint to the company that booked your vacation, and they will forward you to the hotel, activity provider, or transportation company. Go there first, and they may try to blame the booking company.

Some horror stories border on the extreme. One traveling couple who booked an all-inclusive vacation in the Bahamas through the popular website Expedia.com was surprised to discover upon arriving that their resort was closing. Describing the experience on the website pissedconsumer.com, owned by market research firm Opinion Corp, they wrote: “They closed the Sunday we left and were dismantling the rooms, restaurants, bars, pool … around us while we were there. None of the amenities were available.”

Among the most popular targets for complaints is Apple Vacations. Founded in 1969, Apple Vacations began building the country’s largest provider of vacations to Mexico, Caribbean and Hawaii. In the late 1970s, the company became one of the first to introduce the concept of “all-inclusive vacations” to the U.S. market. For all their experience, Apple Vacations is not immune to the “all-inclusive” pitfalls like delayed flights, lost or incorrect hotel reservations, hidden costs, and poor customer service.

At least your local travel agent can address these concerns in person. Since Apple, Expedia and other all-inclusive vacation providers conduct business online and over the phone, face-to-face complaining isn’t a convenient option. “Long-distance runaround” isn’t just a song by Yes — it’s a good reason to say No to all-inclusive vacation packages.

Travel expert Paula Conway offers the following tips for booking an all-inclusive vacation:

1. Let the destination rule your decision – Some destinations are built for the all inclusive experience, while some simply aren’t.  In the case where the resort is the destination, and there’s just not much to do outside the resort, the all-inclusive makes sense.  Just make sure you want to do all of your eating and drinking at the resort before you book.

2. Advance book – The farther out you book, the best all-inclusive deal you will get.  Also consider the air fare, which increases by the week, you don’t want to pay a premium on a vacation that can be booked out many months in advance and save you a lot of money.

3. Go off-season – If you want an all-inclusive in the Bahamas or Caribbean, the summer is when the resorts are least crowded and slash their rates.  Summer and shoulder seasons (June to November) are your best bets for great travel deals, up to 60% off in many cases. And remember: don’t book during Spring Break (March/April) unless you love the idea of having the property packed with high school and college kids drinking heavily and partying into the wee hours of the night, while you are trying to sleep.

4. Do your homework – Read websites for honest reviews of the properties you have in mind.  There’s plenty of good intelligence out there so brush up before you book.

5. Pay one fee – you can book everything from the air to the hotel on booking sites like Orbitz or Expedia.  Don’t spread the cash around, make one booking and therefore one payment.  Also be sure that all costs are included in what you’re booking, read the fine print.

6. Consider niche vacations – There are all-inclusive vacations for goodies, explorers, and fitness junkies.  It doesn’t just have to be a large property filled with ongoing buffets.  Look into what you really want to do and do your research.

7. Read the fine print – Some will say “all-inclusive meals,” which doesn’t mean that the resort is all-inclusive, but rather just that the meal includes drinks, and often that is even limited though the language doesn’t reflect it.  Read everything carefully.

8. What is the tipping policy? – Some all-inclusive deals include tipping, while others do not.  Don’t be stuck with $200 extra in tips at the end unless you accounted for it.

9. Food and drink – Many all-inclusives offer different types of dining: the all-you-can-eat buffet and snack bars that are open all or most of the time, and then there’s the more popular a la carte meals at set times throughout the day.  The a la carte meal times will fill up fast, so you want to know in advance which restaurants you wish to try and make that reservation in advance.  Drinks are typically a bulk affair, and drinkers appreciate the beer and cocktails that never end, but most non-drinkers don’t know that they have the option of ongoing fruit smoothies and juices, and don’t ask for this.

10. Upgrades – Upgrades can be very cost-effective with an all-inclusive package, having you arrive at some nice perks like a club-level suite and free Internet access for just a little more money.

Alcohol rehab centers are big business.  Fortune magazine recently reported that Bain Capital purchased CRC Health Group in February 2006 for $723 million and proceeded to snatch up 20 new facilities over the following two years, then resumed its buying in 2011 with the purchases of some smaller treatment centers. CRC’s flagship facility in Tucson, Arizona charges upwards of $30,000 for a 30-day stay with a mile-long list of clients from Hollywood and pro sports, among them Julie Andrews, Ringo Starr, Tiger Woods, and Michael Douglas.

Where does one go to dry out after a holiday (or maybe a St. Patrick’s Day binge)? Among the top rehab facilities, five stand out — not just because the rich or famous have stayed there but because of the way they do business. These top facilities have moved beyond the once-popular “12-step program” by combining the worlds of holistic medicine and individual treatment programs. While some may still integrate 12-step mantras into their approach, our selections emphasize a more holistic and integrated approach:

 1. Passages Malibu – We like this one because they don’t follow the “12-step/it’s-all-about-God/you-have-a-disease” pandering mantra. Passages thinks outside of the box, taking a 100 percent holistic approach that addiction is not a disease and each patient deserves a customized treatment plan to meet his or her needs.

 2. The Sanctuary Byron Bay, Australia – This is one of the most private treatment centers in the world, providing the ultimate peace and privacy to clients who come in from all over the world to get help. They boast a 15-to-1 staff-to-patient ratio comprised of doctors, nurses, yoga and meditation teachers, personal trainers, body workers, and other recovery experts.  Their approach is mindful of how diet affects mental health, so the support staff includes a personal chef.

 3. Caron Treatment Centers, PA – Affiliated with the University of Pennsylvania, Caron offers gender-specific programs to meet the different needs of men and women. Their teen programs are highly successful and have been home to many teens from celebrity families, many of whose parents also enrolled at Caron.

 4. Silver Hill Hospital, CT – The patient’s point of view is an overriding theme at Silver Hill.  Emotional safety is a core component to their care, which develops the physical trust necessary for treatment. Because Silver Hill is a complete psychiatric hospital, there’s a continuum of care to outpatient and transitional living.

 5. The Meadows, AZ – Offering a holistic approach to treatment, The Meadows has a wide range of therapies included Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), Somatic Experiencing (SE), Equine Therapy, Expressive Arts, Yoga, Tai Chi, Acupuncture and Mindfulness Meditation.

 But not all drug and alcohol rehab centers are great, and many find it daunting to even find a good one.  Most consumer complaints of rehabilitation centers stem from lack of quality treatment, which is evidenced by the many consumer complaints accessible on the Internet.  One complaint posted on the website PissedConsumer.com, owned by market research firm Opinion Corp. sites physical abuse at a treatment facility.  The author writes, “If you want to put your life at risk and be treated like an animal, you will be fine there, but keep in mind you better be physically strong, BEACAUSE YOU WILL BE BEATEN AND LEFT TO DIE IF YOU DON’T DO WHAT THEY TELL YOU…” Another consumer writes “sent my child there for what i hoped would help her turn herself around with the right help…so much for the right place my child left and 2 days later she passed away.”

There are seven factors for choosing a drug or alcohol rehab center, including price, location, philosophy of care, and the level of one-on-one therapy. Individual therapy is an increasingly important distinguishing factor in choosing a drug or rehab facility.

Most private rehabs will offer some degree of individual counseling or therapy as a part of more comprehensive drug treatment programming, and this individual therapy with a psychologist can be very beneficial in the recovery process. Obviously, it costs the drug rehab centers more to offer substantial one on one time with a psychologist, and as a cost savings some facilities may offer very limited or occasional sessions. You should find out how many sessions with a psychologist are included in the treatment price.

 Another important factor in choosing a facility is the level of aftercare therapy, which was a factor in our choices for the top five treatment centers for drying out.  One recovering addict states: “A rehab experience is really a two-part process. The first part occurs within the walls of the rehab during the intensive phase, but there should be a second and very long-lasting commitment to recovery aftercare programming. Aftercare is simply a continuing participation in therapy, in group sessions, and in meetings, and this aftercare is crucial to long term recovery. Statistically,the greater the involvement in long-term aftercare, the greater the probability of sobriety.”

PissedConsumer.com offers some tips on publishing reviews with photos. Don’t hesitate to attach images to your complaints. They make them more powerful and informative!

Remember: presence of graphic materials increases efficiency of each complaint or review!

Goods:

• Make a distinct photo of damage.
• The background should be neutral (if possible, put your item on the single-color surface or cloth).
• The viewpoint should enclose the damaged point (don`t hesitate to use graphic software in order to outline necessary points with the help of arrows or other figures).

• Remember about the Macro-regime. It can outline even the smallest details.

• Attach a photo of the bill or warranty which has been violated.

• Attach a photo from the corporate catalog which shows the difference between the shipped and ordered goods.

Services:

• Make photos of negative outcomes appeared from one or another service.

• Make photos of processing, if you think it is going wrong.

Electronic (on-line) issues:

• Use screenshots (manual on how to create a screenshot) to prove problems with charging, billing issues, on-line financial scams, system errors and other matters which can be traced through the Internet

General:

• Keep an eye on resolution (here you can learn how to check image resolution), it should be 1024×768 pixels or more.
• You can place 2 or more images next to each other in order to compare them (images showing damages of a small item should consist from the macro picture and the image of a whole item attached)
• Don’t use less than 5 Megapixel devices for taking photos
• Centralize your image (the object should be in the center of the photo)
• Take photos in a good light, better in a day one.
• Make sure that you have set a function of automatic date posting on your photos.
• If you have taken a photo for comparison from the other site, don’t forget to mention it on the image.
• Remove or paint over such private data as credit cards numbers, accounts numbers, addresses, IDs. It is very important because it protects your information from personal attacks, from being stolen and from illegal charges!

So, follow image posting recommendations to make your review more valuable and informative. Pay attention to the private data, background, light and resolution.

Consumer Complaint Site PissedConsumer.com Offers Tips to Keep Your Air Travel Expectations in Check and Enjoy Your Flight

More than 800 passengers complained about U.S. airlines in the last six months on PissedConsumer.com, operated by market research firm Opinion Corp. Flyers are most often up in arms about refunds they don’t receive, hidden fees, lost and damaged luggage, pricey in-flight food (which isn’t very tasty either), seats being double booked and tickets snafus.

Vladimir Nardin, Executive Director of PissedConsumer.com, offers the following tips to consumers planning to travel.

• Show up extra early for flights – buy a day pass for the airport lounge, you will be comfortable and relaxed for last-minute snafus
• Do not check luggage – try packing everything in a carry-on to avoid the possibility of lost or damaged luggage
• Pack your own meals and snacks – it’s more nutritious, you will save you money, and you will not be disappointed by not having a meal in flight
• Use miles for an upgrade over a seat – you’ll be more comfortable with the extra leg room and amenities
• Entertain yourself – come prepared with movies and music loaded onto your iPod or tablet

“Be as self sufficient as possible,” warns Nardin. “Knowing ahead of time that the flight attendants are actually as harried as they look will help you prepare and enjoy your travel with managed expectations and a bit of extra planning.”

Consumer expert and spokesperson for Pissedconsumer.com, Vlad Nardin, shares six things you can do to make sure your holiday purchases make it on time

1.      Verify that the item you want is not on back-order – Even if you shop online, call the websites phone number and verify the status of the item you want to buy

2.      Watch out for “ship to store” options – Some retailers will offer free or lower rate shipping if they ship directly to your local retail store, but at check out your store may not be available. Go to your local retail location and if the item is not available there, have the store order it.  This way there’s no confusion and you truly get the free shipping.

3.      Do not shop on layaway – Many layaway options are very limited to toys and some electronics and the fees attached are prohibitive.

4.      Visit the post office or UPS store early in the morning – Many gifts fail to make it on time simply due to confusion at the post office or UPS store as the day wears on.  Workers become tired, things get missed, so do your shipping early in the morning when the doors first open.

5.      Verify Christmas shipping dates and deadlines – Many retailers still do not offer an arrival for Christmas guarantee, so be sure to read the fine print carefully, and when in doubt, call for verification.

6.      Shop online at e-retailers and not brick and mortar stores – A consumer has a better chance of receiving an item from Amazon rather than the hot item on a retail store’s website. Amazon uses an advance distribution and inventory system, which increases the chances of your item arriving on time.

-PissedConsumer.com Shares Five Shopping Tips to Avoid the Crowds-

NEW YORK, NY- December 6, 2012 — Everyone is looking to cross off names on their holiday gift list this season, causing long lines and massive headaches.

Pissed Consumer, the most popular product review and complaint website shares 5 tips to make your holiday shopping a done deal in record time.

1. SHOP ONLINE – For anything that needs be shipped, this is the least time-consuming option.

2. SHOP EARLY- Go shopping the first thing in the morning, right when the stores open. There will be far less people and you will find the items with ease.

3. SHOP DURING EXTRA LATE HOURS – If the store is open until midnight, there will likely not be crowds at 10 PM. Take advantage of the fringe hours when crowds are thinner.

4. LIMIT ALL SHOPPING TO 2 HOURS – Put a time-frame on it so if you’re in by 9 AM, you’re out by 11 AM, which is when the crowds start to swell.

5. MAKE A LIST BEFORE YOU GO – Know what you’re there for so you don’t find yourself hanging out looking for things to buy and thereby buying more.

- PissedConsumer.com Shares the Top Gift Cards Issues for Givers and Receivers This Holiday Season -

NEW YORK, NY – NOVEMBER 27, 2012 - Gift cards may be the easiest option for gift giving this holiday season, but they are not the safest and carry complicated penalties. Stores are secretly making a profit off of your thoughtful gifts and causing many problems for consumers. Before you buy those gift cards, educate yourself on some of the issues.

Pissed Consumer, the most popular product review and complaint website, shares 5 tips that every gift card purchaser should know.

1. THE DOLLAR AMOUNT IS A LIE – The amount on the card will slowly dwindle as the company will charge you interest on the card. This will range anywhere between 5-10% of what you purchased.  In addition to this, you pay a fee to activate the card, so the amount of money for both you and the recipient adds up.

2. GIFT CARDS EXPIRE – Many gift cards only last for 12 months — or even worse, less than that. To prevent all the money from disappearing read your gift card closely to see if there is an expiration date. If there is, alert the recipient to spend the gift card as soon as possible.

3. STORES LOCK YOU IN - Gift cards require you to spend the set amount of money at that particular store, yet the recipient of the gift may wish to spend the gift funds somewhere else.

4. YOUR PERSONAL INFORMATION IS BEING RE-SOLD - Often the store that you purchase the gift card from will collect your personal information and use it for their marketing purposes. Some companies will even go as far as selling your information to other marketers.

5. SPECIAL DEALS WITH GIFT CARDS - Remember that special deals with gift card are too good to be true. For example, two massages for the price of one may be the rate for the introductory massage only. If you are purchasing the card for a regular customer they will not be able to take advantage of the introductory rate which was what the card was intended for.

Remember this holiday season to read all the fine print associated with the gift card to avoid these headaches.

Dhara Tucker Family Psychologist

DR. MANUBENS DOES DEPRESSION SCREENING WITHOUT TELLING YOU

Cartus Clowns

Energy cannot be created or destroyed; it can only be changed from one form to another, transferred from one object to another. From me – to you – and back. This is Energy Conservation Law. For the time being, no violation of this law has been found.

Have you ever met someone and instantly felt energized by the encounter?  Or have you felt drained from an interaction with someone, even a brief exchange?  Our energy fuels of our relationships with others, no matter how extensive or short-lived they may be. Some connections are highly charged, some run on low voltage. The exchange of energy happens even if there is no interaction between people.  Just being in the same space with another person can affect your energy level.

We have all experienced being in the same room with someone in a wonderful mood, full of high spirits.  You can feel their energy rise and somehow yours is raised with theirs. On the other hand, being in the presence of someone who is down and depressed, can immediately cast a shadow on yours.

Energy is something that can’t be seen or touched. But it is always there, always moving - given, shared and taken away. We feed off each other; hence we are eating each other’s energy.

*          *         *
-  Doctor, it was very difficult for me to come here. I never thought I’d need help of a psychologist. But I feel empty… emotionally numb… I lost my passion for life. Every day is a struggle; it takes all my energy to make myself continue. It’s like… I am drained… like my life has been sucked out of me. I am desperately trying to hide it. With people around me I act happy… but I am afraid, they can sense my real mood. Can they, doctor?

-  Some of them can. The most sensitive ones.  People like myself. As a therapist, I need to be very empathic. I am not a psychic, but yet I am highly sensitive to other people’s energy and emotions. I can definitely see a dark cloud around you, and even if you were doing a happy dance, I would’ve known that you are deeply depressed.

- Doctor, can I ask you a question?

- Usually I am the one asking questions here, but go ahead.

- Being around your patients, with their dark clouds, do you feel kind of drained? Like they are drawing energy out of you? Don’t they make you feel overwhelmed and exhausted?

- Yes, it happens. My job is to help people in distress. But it can happen to any of us. It’s just being around people, not necessarily troubled or grieving, but just anyone with negative energy. The only solution is to spend more time with positive people and sort of recharge of them. You know what I do when I am feeling blue? I go to the circus. It is the happiest place in the world. It makes me feel like a child. It makes me happy inside. I laugh, I cry blissful tears, I enjoy the sounds of happy kids. Especially this one act, which always picks me up – Bobby the Clown. The guy is incredible. He exudes joy. He is the happiest person, I’ve ever seen. He … how to explain… “taps into my energy”. I literally feel recharged after watching his act. You know what, you should try it. You should go to the circus and see Bobby the Clown. I promise you will feel better.

- Doctor, I am afraid this is not going to happen.

- Why? Why do you think so?

- I know so. I am Bobby the Clown.

FAKE YOUR JOB

HR PROFESSION – JOB HIRING HR PROTOCOL OR LACK THEREOF

As King Leonidas said in the movie ‘300’: “You there, what is your profession?”

So, you there, what is it? What’s the activity that you do on a daily basis (or maybe less frequently) to earn money (or other assets) to sustain yourself (or barely keep up)? What’s that vocation based upon education (or lack of it) and skills (more-or-less-know-how)? What do you do to supply service to others (or to harm them)?

Whatever you do is good. Even if you don’t like it. There should be nobility in every profession. Even if you hate it.

Survey says: 70 percent of American workers hate their job. Only 20% love what they do. The others probably don’t care anymore.

Let’s all try to love our job. It may be hard. There is no job fairy to deliver us the perfect job. Or maybe there is – for some lucky people. But some lucky people also win lottery. Same odds.

Let’s try to love whatever we do. Let’s put our job at the top of some list. We can always find some kind of list, which our job can top.

The oldest.

Do you have the oldest profession? (By the way, it is not what you just thought).

Survey says: almost everyone considers PROSTITUTION the oldest profession.

Which is not true. Think about it. The very first employee was Adam. “God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it.” Adam just needed to watch over the area (job), and enjoy the produce (wages). So he kind of was a GARDENER and a SECURITY GUARD. Kind of symbolically. Because it was not much to do in the Garden of Eden, where all the plants were perfect and not subjected to contamination. And with the population of one guy, whom to guard it from? Let’s say, Adam was the first ENVIRONMENTAL PROFESSIONAL. And this is the real oldest profession. Only when God crafted a woman from Adam’s rib, a foundation for prostitution was created. It did not become a career immediately. It was much later, after the First Couple produced larger population, and the population produced unprecedented demand for intimate services. Then a new supplier entered the market in response to the demand. The final point: while sex-workers are not THE oldest professionals, they are still pretty high on this list.

Other antique occupations still in existence since ancient times (despite of the technology) are MEDICAL WORKERS, TEACHERS, ARTISTS, CLERGY AND LAWYERS. Then, if there lawyers there criminals. THIEVES, SPIES AND SERIAL KILLERS are some of the oldest jobs (see the bible). Then, if there society there POLITICIANS (similar to prostitution, antique but not the oldest). And also:

-         ARCHITECTS and BUILDERS. (In business since people realized the necessity of shelter to keep out the harsh elements).

-         TAILORS. (Since great ice age when it became too chilly to walk around naked).

-         WEAPON DEALERS. (Since the beginning of civilization. Humans always spent a fair amount of time killing each other. Those with the skill to create stuff that kills were in demand forever).

-         FARMERS. (Since we tamed the beasts and began cultivating crops).

-         ACCOUNTANTS and BANKERS. (Some of our earliest ancestors had to keep track of the tribal assets. (Also, see MONEY LENDERS in the bible) So the banking or at least credit system was well established pretty long ago).

-         AUTHORS and MUSICIANS. (How do you think a prehistoric community lived without TV and Internet?  Entertainers, you are also at the top of this list)!

The newest

This list is changing too fast, it’s hard to track. For now let’s mention jobs in social media. Hopefully they still will be the newest for the next fifteen minutes.

-         SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER. It is an official position with a pretty fair compensation of $50,000 a year starting out. What you need is to understand Facebook and Twitter (who under the age of 50 doesn’t?) and enjoy tweeting, posting and engaging people through social media (who wouldn’t?).

-         FRIENDITUDE.  Not an official position, but a popular practice of trading companionable favors for money.(No sex involved). Just pretend to be a social networking friend of a lonely rich dude and send him nice public messages every once in a while. Followed by the passing of cash.

The highest paid

This category is kind of comparative and personal. Unless you are Donald Trump, Oprah Winfrey, Bill Gates or Tiger Woods, you are not quite comfortable placing what you do at the top of this list. Think of it this way: your job is the highest paid in the office… in the neighborhood… in the family… in your AA group… and so on. This is especially therapeutic for those who hate their job but love money.

The common list is kind of obvious but still relative:

-         PHYSICIANS (private practice is a plus, lower body area – gynecology, proctology, podiatry – is a plus).

-         DENTISTS (especially solo practitioners and especially orthodontists).

-         PSYCHIATRISTS (private practice in a quiet wealthy area – recommended).

-         LAWYERS (corporate liars earn more).

-         INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY PROFESSIONALS (CEO position in Fortune500 corporation is a plus).

-         AIRLINE PILOTS (The bigger the aircraft – the better).

If you don’t make this list, don’t get upset. Think of your job as

The most satisfying

Survey says: about 20% of those making less than $15,000 a year say they are very satisfied with their jobs, vs. 14% of those who make more than $50,000 a year.

Whatever you do and regardless of what you earn, if you are personally satisfied – you are on the top of this list. Remember: you have a good salary – small but good.

You can always come up with an original list, and top it. For example,

The most eccentric

-         SHARK TANK CLEANER (Perfect for thrill lovers).

-         KNIFE-THROWER’S ASSISTANT (Perfect for thrill seekers. The only downside is that no insurance company would offer a policy to someone who lets people throw knives at them for a living).

-         CHICKEN SEXER (Requires unique skills in deciphering the genitalia of newly-hatched birds to separate male hatchlings from the females).

-         ODOR JUDGE (Honorary position for adjudicators with strong olfactory system. Judge’s nose tries defendant’s armpits for deodorant misdemeanor).

-         CONDOM TESTER. (Guys, don’t quit your job and change career yet. In reality this occupation involves stretching the items over a machine to test their strength and durability).

-         GOLF BALL DIVER (experienced deep-sea divers retrieving golf balls from the murky depths of lakes).

-         CROCODILE WRANGLER (Wrestling crocodiles, alligators, and other aggressive animals is simultaneously awesome and insane line of work).

The most relaxing

-         FURNITURE TESTER. (The cushiest jobs possible. Furniture testers get paid to sit and lounge about on chairs, couches, beds, and other elements of home décor to help manufacturers test their safety and comfort).

-         PROFESSIONAL SLEEPER. (Literally a dream job. Not only you can sleep at work, but you can also work in your sleep researching insomnia and other disorders).

-         STAND-IN BRIDESMAID. (Some bridezillas, obsessed with a certain number of attendants, can actually pay women to stand in the ceremony to fill out the ranks).

The most disgusting

-         VOMIT COLLECTOR. (If you love amusement parks, this is the job for you. The most thrilling rides make people lose their mind, as well as their lunch. Land a job cleaning people’s barf, and enjoy the thrill park employee discount).

-         LIVESTOCK MASTURBATOR. (The job plays an integral role in the food supply. To acquire the body fluids necessary for breeding and future meat quality, someone needs to manually stimulate cows and other barnyard animals. This is a very rewarding activity, pleasing both the bull and the future consumers of meat).

-         WORM PICKER. (If you don’t sleep at night and like working in the dark, especially on rainy days, go and look for worm colonies. Select the best worms, stuff these filthy creatures in cans and sell your wiggly prey to local fishermen for bait).

-          FART SNIFFER. (People actually get paid to smell gas given off by cows in order to determine their diet, hormonal balance, and overall health. Anyone hungry?)

Let’s love our profession, people. Let’s put it at the top of our personal customized lists.

LOWES HOME IMPROVEMENT NEEDS IMPROVING

SEARS HOME IMPROVEMENT SUCKS

HOME CONSTRUCTION AND REPAIR

Life gets boring once in a while. So we try to sparkle it up, to find something new and exciting. The ideas can come from anywhere.

My husband and I were visiting our neighbor Jones, and he told us the funniest story. Last week a guy appeared at his door and said:

-         Hello, Mr. Clark, I am your contractor. You asked me to repair your house. Sorry, I am a little late.

-         You are a little late indeed. My name is Mr. Jones; I bought this house from Mr. Clark half a year ago and I repaired it already.

That was funny. Contractors are so unreliable. We expressed our hope that at least the people who fixed Jones’s house were good. Jones was not so sure. “There were some issues”, – he said, -“I had to call them the moment I came back to the house”.

-         What’s the matter? – The contractor responded, – you sound like you hit upon loads of defects…

-         No, just one. The front door is stuck. I can’t get into the house.

After they fixed the door, Jones did find loads of defects. Having to redo their work probably made the contractors angry, so they started to send Jones outrageous bills. “For instance,” – remembered Jones, – “I paid for windows replacement, and they complained that I did not include the price of windows. They thought I am stupid. It’s written bright and clear “In just one year these double-pane energy-efficient windows will pay for themselves!” So they were calling before the year was over to trick me into paying for what should pay for itself. I was not happy with them. I think I could’ve repaired the house myself. It would’ve been better, cheaper and even fun.”

When we came home, I told my husband:

-         Let’s repair our house. It will be fun. Life is kind of boring right now.

-         Good idea, – he said, – but the house is fine, nothing is broken.

-         That’s good, – I said, – when something is broken, it’s much harder to repair. Besides, we planned to start working out. Think about it! Ceiling painting develops triceps, balance and accurate eye; wallpapering strengthens back muscles, biceps and forearms; waxing the hardwood reinforces the ankles. You will develop six pack abs, and I’ll get my pre-baby waist back.

So we decided to remodel our home. We explained to the guy in the Home Depot what we were planning to do and asked him what we need to buy. The guy looked at us and suggested:

-         How about life insurance?

He was skeptical, but it didn’t discourage us.

We started with ceiling painting. I wanted to try, but my husband thought it would be better if he painted and was holding the ladder. So I let him do it. I was holding the ladder, and our son was helping me. Sure, my little boy would rather help his father painting.

-         Not now, darling, – I said, – wait until you grow up and then you will be helping Daddy.

-         You think, – my son asked, – that Daddy will be still painting this ceiling when I grow up?

He was a great little helper, our son.

I was in the kitchen fixing lunch for my sweet laborers, when my son stormed in screaming:

-         Mommy, I dropped the ladder!

-         It’s okay, darling, tell Daddy, and he will pick it up.

-         Daddy can’t, he is hanging on the chandelier!

… Painting was fun. Wallpapering was even more fun. I tried first. For some reason I kept leaving bubbles and creases. Probably I am not good at smoothing surfaces. Then my husband tried. He happened to be a natural-born wallpaperer. So I let him do it. He was very proud to show me the finished room.

-         See, no bubbles, no creases.

-         It’s perfect, – I praised him, – but, honey… where is the window?

… Hanging pictures on a newly wallpapered wall is also fun and easy. You just need to hammer a nail into the wall. I tried first. For some reason, my hammer kept hitting the wall 2 -3 inches away from the nail. Apparently I am not good with targets. Then my husband tried. He was so much better. He hit his finger, which was much closer to the nail.

-         Honey, maybe you are holding the hammer incorrectly – I suggested.

-         You are right. The correct way is to hold it with both hands. Now, you hold the nail, and I will hammer.

… While we were putting bandages on each other’s fingers, my hubby came up with even brighter idea.

-         I got it! People, who were constantly hitting their fingers with a hammer, are the ones who invented a screw and a screwdriver!

We practiced to perfection. We combined tools and techniques until our wall looked like some sophisticated abstract art. We decided not to hang pictures and enjoy our original wall décor. We became experts in nailing and screwing, and I can give you some helpful advises. Like, I learned that hammering a screw is much more efficient than screwing a nail.

And I learned much, much more. Home improvement was fun! We admit that the house looked better before it was improved, but we still like it. We became a closer family. We developed new family habits. For example, we wipe our feet not only when we enter the house but also when we leave it.

Our son got very busy remodeling his toys. He is incredibly bright and creative. The only toy that is not broken yet is the hammer.

When I cook burgers or steaks, I turn them with a putty knife instead of kitchen spatula. I kind of like it.

When my husband spreads cream cheese on a bagel, he does it very thoroughly, trying to fill every little hole and smooth it out perfectly. Once he even tried to finish the surface with sandpaper.

Our intimate life changed also. Now my man caresses me with long smooth vertical strokes. Up and down, up and down. I kind of like it.

The bottom line – renovation is fun. And trust me, Ladies, we can do it!  Except, if our husbands can do it better, we just let them.

Home improvement is a very good thing. Especially afterwards.

WONDERFUL DRESS

THE ROSE DRESS!

E DRESSES GLOBAL

Honeymoon was wonderful. When they returned from the Caribbean trip, their honeymoon was still in effect. Only four month later they finally left the house.  They had to. They were invited to a formal party, and She did not have a proper dress. He wanted Her to get a one-of-a-kind dress, so they were going to meet Mr. Gluck – a fashion designer.

… One glimpse at his new customers, and Mr. Gluck had no doubt: “Honeymooners. He thinks that he is married to the most beautiful woman, and she is sure that her husband is the most caring and generous man”.

Mr. Gluck looked a lot like composer Ludwig van Beethoven when the genius musician was already old, a little crazy and deafened by his music. He smiled:

-         What can I do for you, young people?

-         We need a unique formal dress. Our friends recommended you.

-         Did you hear it, Phyllis? – shouted Mr. Gluck, – people recommended me! There are still people with good taste in this world! They could go to Armani, Dior or Lagerfeld, but they chose Gluck! Honestly, what is so special about this Lagerfeld? Okay, he is dressing Queen of England. Tell me, young man, do you want your wife to look like that old Queen of England?  If you do, you can go to Lagerfeld…

-         We are not going to Lagerfeld – reassured the couple.

-         Good for you! Because I can make your wife look like a real queen – a beauty queen. Phyllis, don’t worry, they are not going to Lagerfeld!.. Now, (he turned to the newlyweds), do you know how to make a good dress? Don’t answer, I’ll tell you. It’s easy. We need to expose what we want to see and cover what we don’t. For example, if a lady has beautiful legs, we’ll make a mini-dress. If she has a nice bosom, we’ll emphasize the cleavage. You got the idea? With this being said, for your beautiful wife I would recommend an elegant long dress, covering neck to toe.

(Gluck was already taking Her measurements).

-         Wait a second, – (He approached Mr. Gluck), – Do you mean, my wife has nothing we want to see? What about her legs?

-         Nice legs, but different from each other.

-         You mean one right and one left?

-         Yeah, and the one that is left is absolutely beautiful, but the right one is kind of bulky and too muscular.

-         Maybe, we should leave, honey, – She said hesitantly.

He did not answer. He was staring at her legs. Couple of minutes later He said:

-         Really… How didn’t I notice before …

-         It’s not a big deal, – She said, – I was an athlete, I was trained for the High Jump for several years, and right was my push-off leg. But I don’t do it anymore, and it should go away soon.

-         You see, – said Gluck, – not a big deal. For now we need to hide the push-off leg. But I recommend a high slit on the left side to show her good leg. Then everybody will be happy to see your wife’s gorgeous leg, and you will be especially happy that they don’t see the less stunning one.

-         Fine, – He said, – but what about her breasts?

-         Nice breasts… but not much of a cleavage material, – explained Gluck.

-         Maybe, we should go, – She tried again, while He was staring at her bosom.

-         I honestly never noticed, – He said finally, – Did you also take archery? – He asked his wife.

-         Don’t you worry, – intervened Gluck, – we’ll find a good push up bra, and it will look fabulous under the fabric.

-         You think so?

-         You hear it, Phyllis? – Gluck shouted, – He still has doubts! Don’t you worry, young man. Come to the fitting in two weeks, and I guarantee, you will be amazed by your wife’s beauty.

… She came to the fitting alone.

-         And where is your husband, sweetheart? – Gluck asked.

-         He… We… We separated… He could not stop finding my imperfections.

-         What a jerk! Don’t cry, sweetheart, let’s try the dress on; it will cheer you up…

She was looking into a big mirror. The dress in fact was striking and fitted her perfectly.

-         Look at this! – Gluck was very proud. – Aren’t you pretty? Pretty and very young. And you are yet to meet a good man who will really love you. Like I love my Phyllis. She had so many wonderful imperfections, that I couldn’t help but fall for her.  Maybe because of her flaws she was always so interesting to me. Our honeymoon lasted for twenty-six years.

-         And then?

-         She passed away.

-         I am sorry…But…I heard you talking to her…

-         That’s right. I am still talking to her. I hope she can hear me. I hope she likes my work. Because she has an impeccable taste in clothes. What do you think about this dress, Phyllis?

BETTER SERVICE BUT STILL NOT GOOD ENOUGH

BEST SERVICE EVERRRR

“Montague: So you say you are better than me?
Capulet: In fact, I do.
Montague: You lie!”

(From Shakespeare’s “Romeo and Juliet”.)

If you think that I think that I am better than you… then you are probably right. Why is that? Because I am simply awesome. Do you agree with me? Probably not. Why? Because you foolishly believe in your own awesomeness. Maybe you even think that you are better than anyone else. This is annoying.  It is particularly annoying to those of us who really are.

As much as your egotism is getting on my nerves, I understand it. To some degree everyone feels a little above the crowd. It is in human nature. Striving to be better than others. Some do it because of greed and arrogance. And others just do it without even noticing it. Striving to be better works unconsciously. Like, altruists put others in front of themselves, sacrifice for others and totally deprive themselves of a healthy ego. This is exactly what makes them better than others. Are they striving for the same selfish excellence? They are, maybe unconsciously.

We are all born with ego. It makes us vulnerable. Other people can bruise our precious ego, belittle our self-worse, and make us feel lonely and insecure. So we need to defend ourselves from being damaged.

I personally don’t need to protect my ego. Why? Because I am awesome. If you don’t agree with this, you are wrong. Even if all people don’t agree with this, I don’t give a damn. People suck anyways. They don’t give me a Nobel Prize, or an Oscar, or an Olympic medal. They are wrong. I am so above them they just can’t handle me. They are too stupid and obsessed with insignificant crap.

I am a victim of the society’s screwed up value system.

I am a misunderstood genius.

And I am awesome.

I am not just better than others. I am simply the best.

What does it mean to be the best? It means you have to be better than the number two guy. If you come in second, you’re just the first loser.

I’ll give you an example. Let’s say you and I are chased by an angry bear. What you will be thinking about? I bet, you’ll think, you need to outrun the bear. And I will think I need to outrun you. Got it?

I always play to win; you only play not to lose. As much as you want to be the best, you are only the best at being second best.

You think you are smarter, deeper, and kinder than others. I think you are dumb, shallow, and selfish. Compared to me.

You mistake your insecurity and inadequacy for humility. You mistake my greatness for arrogance. But, you know what; I would anyway chose honest arrogance rather than fussy humility.

I don’t need to compare our looks, intelligence, prestige or social standing. I just know – I am awesome.

I know, you don’t like me. You are just jealous. That’s why you are giving me derogatory names like Jerk, Ass, Fat Head, Snob, Know-It-All… You say nonsense like I suffer chronic migraines due to my incredibly swollen head. Or that I was diagnosed with Superiority Complex disorder.

Regardless of what you say, I am awesome.

And, by the way, I don’t have Superiority complex, because the Greats don’t suffer from this condition…

(From Cocky Bastard’s letter to an imaginary foe).

CREEPYHOLLOWS HALOWEEN SCAM PARTY TRICK OR TREAT

Days are getting shorter, nights are getting colder. The nature is dying. It’s almost winter. Time to get scared, as the boundary between the worlds of the living and the dead becomes blurred. Time for Halloween.

This year we’ll see some new changes to the old whimsical festivities, utilized by both societies of the living and the dead.

First, the National Federation of Ghosts has announced a strike this Halloween, after failed negotiations with the government. Legendary Bloody Mary, a spokeswoman for the Federation, said, “The government is incredibly ignorant in not meeting our demands. We want better treatment and true recognition for our work, something we have never had in our afterlife-time.”

Honorable Father-of-Prince-Hamlet, also known as “the Ghostfather”, added: “we are sick of the living crowd walking the streets, covered with bed sheets, trying to trick us into believing that they are our fellow spirits. We are somewhat old, but not demented enough not to tell a genuine phantasm from an ‘undercover’ prankster.”

Government spokesmen have declined to comment as yet, but sources say they are unwilling to be bullied into making any knee-jerk reactions to the “ridiculous and over-blown demands of a bunch of free loading phantoms.”

It will be a very lonely Halloween for ghost lovers, but devils, witches and the walking dead are unaffected by the strike. Spokesmen for their respective unions want to ensure fright lovers that they will all be out in force as usual.

There are also new developments on the side of the living. This year there will be new free classes available to the public, such as “Cocktail bomb construction” and “How to make flammable devices from household items”. Selective townships will set the goal of 66 arsons per community on Devil’s Night. This goal is to prove that the whole neighborhood can work together and accomplish anything they set their minds to.

Schools, banks and all city government offices will be closed on Tuesday in order to give participants time to prepare for the evening’s pyrotechnic displays. The water supply to fire hydrants will be cut and fire-crews will be under-staffed for the event.

The grand price for the most proficient arsonists will be awarded by the local law enforcement agencies: free inmate costumes for the next Halloween.

City officials will advise the citizens to have a good time but to do it safely. The party goers should shoot hand guns at houses or cars but never up in the air as somebody could get hit on the head by a falling bullet.

There is another innovation from the police force.  Not to be bothered with Halloween’s “good intent 911 calls” due to a “man” hanging by his hands from the rain gutter, or a “gentleman”about to jump from a skyscraper, or a “dude” on railway tracks, or a bloody body under a riding lawnmower; these calls will be considered false alarms. Consequently, there is a new regulation – avoid getting into real accident on Halloween night, as no one will believe it anyway. A special law was issued – not to plan suicide on this particular night. Violators, killing themselves on Halloween, will be prosecuted.

The paramedics, though, will not reduce their workload. Heart attacks will rise by a staggering 68% on Halloween. This is mainly down to the old and infirm being called upon, and literally scared to death. Ambulance call outs will also increase but only by 54%. The deficit is put down to many old people not being discovered until some days later.

A healthy alternative will be offered to the younger generation: to take their Halloween Trick or Treat candy to a Weight Watchers location and exchange them for buckets of vegetables with equivalent points value. The initiative comes with a warning that we may expect occurrences of unhappy kids weeping, sobbing, crying, screaming, and breaking things such as ashtrays, expensive vases, dishes and bottles of imported wine.

While we spend the whole year trying to keep our children safe from the fears and scary reality of life, on this one night we actively encourage scaring the dickens out of them. We know that the phantom monsters are kids-friendly and the only damage caused to a youngster will be the wet pants. Though this year additional precautions will be taken to protect children from real-life monsters also known as offenders. An ordinance will be passed to prevent car thieves, burglars, political assassins, extortionists, gangsters, and city council members to open their doors to trick-or-treaters. They will also be not allowed to turn on their lights or put up Halloween decorations.

For the first time the positive effect of Halloween on industrial development and employment is announced to general public. Over 16 billion tones of candies will be consumed over the two days following Halloween, across the world. This equates to around 14 billion tones of vomit, and an average of 32 million rotten teeth. Not only the candy manufacturing will be boosted by Halloween, but also the dental, sanitation and healthcare industries, which will provide new seasonal jobs and security for full-time employees.

Wishing you a merry-scary Holiday!

APPLE ONE IS A WASTE OF TIME

NACA – WASTE OF TIME

UPS – DISGUSTING WASTE OF TIME

Essentially everything in the world can be either purchased, or earned, given as a gift, scrounged, taken by force, scammed or just found on the road. Everything but Time.

No one could ever buy a mere second even for the last breath. Emperors and kings were willing to shower everyone who could prolong their days, with treasures. But none of the rulers obtained immortality.

In his final days Genghis Khan promised half of his empire to healers and shamans. But not even his whole empire, along with the entire world’s wealth could buy him an extension of time.

Alexander the Great, whose time was up at the early age of thirty two, had the whole world literally at his feet. On his death bed, Alexander revealed his ultimate wishes:

“I want the best doctors to carry my coffin to demonstrate that, in the face of death, even the best doctors in the world have no power to heal. I want the road to be covered with my treasure so that everybody sees that material wealth acquired on earth, stays on earth. I want my hands to swing in the wind, so that people understand that we come to this world empty-handed and we leave this world empty-handed after the most precious treasure of all is exhausted, and that is TIME”

Benjamin Franklin said, “Time is money”, and for generations we repeat it and take it as the absolute truth. Time really is money – in a way. It is the most valuable and the most stable currency. Time is what we pay for our existence. It is like a revolving “use it or lose it” fund. Every day we have exactly 86400 seconds deposited into our account. If we spent less and wasted the rest, there are no rollover minutes. They are gone. But the next day we get another 86400. So we live like spoiled rich heirs with unlimited trust funds. We are killing time, procrastinating, postponing until some day in the future. Tomorrow is another day… If tomorrow comes.  Future is just an illusion. A possibility, which may or may not be granted. The only real time is Now. It’s Now when we need to decide how to cash out our time.

Time is money. But there is no defined value of a 1-minute bill, or 1-month bill, or 10-years bill. What is the price of time? How much are we wasting?

If you want to know the price of a year, ask a student who missed a year of school.

If you want to know the price of a month, ask a mother whose child was born a month prematurely.

If you want to know the price of a week, ask an editor-in-chief of a weekly newspaper.

If you want to know the price of a day, ask a family of a terminally ill.

If you want to know the price of an hour, ask lovers, waiting for a date.

If you want to know the price of a minute, ask a passenger who missed his flight.

If you want to know the price of a second, ask a driver who avoided a deadly crash.

If you want to know the price of a fraction of a second, ask an athlete who won silver at Olympics.

Time is money – we repeat for generations. But often we take it too literally, trying to squeeze more cash out of every minute of work, trying to spend every minute to generate the green paper bills. And often, only when we are low on minutes, we realize that what we considered the smartest investment of time was a total loss. We leave empty-handed.

The past is already a history; the future is still a mystery. The only time we have is Now. Use it or lose it.

FLUSHING MY MONEY DOWN THE PRIMAMERICA TOILET

NASTY TOILET PAPER

Let’s talk toilet.

Let’s talk as self-respecting mature fellow-toilet-users. Let’s approach the topic without a potty mouth. Let’s avoid uncontrollable fit of giggles and suspiciously raised eyebrows.

What makes toilet a taboo, why is it a cultural shame? In modern society, toilet rituals are considered private.  We’ve all sort of signed on to this hidden contract promising that whatever happens behind the stall door stays behind the stall door. But everyone uses the same stall, right?  And for the same reasons, right?  So…what exactly is the secret?

The purpose of the Loo in our lives is undeniable and should be appreciated, not concealed. Think about it this way: you will spend an average of 3 entire years of your life on the John. In three years you can earn a law degree and/or go through three full gestation periods (4, if you are really dedicated), resulting in at least three new humans!

And such an important universal fixture was assigned to be “disgusting” and feel ashamed of. We talk bad about the toilet. We say,”down the toilet” meaning something wasted or lost, we say, “in the toilet” meaning something in a bad condition.

Let’s talk toilet in a positive way.

Healthcare is in the toilet. This statement becomes positive if we literally mean ‘Toilet’. Your Toilet is the first to see the earliest signs of your health dysfunction. Rather than supply the samples of our bodily outcome to a medical facility, we should attach a mini-lab to our Stall and get constantly monitored.  Get instant reports of our stuff’s color, clarity, odor, gravity, pH, protein, glucose, nitrites and enzymes. Receive some simple recommendations like “You need more fiber in your diet”. Be given an early warning and avoid getting sick. Visit your doctor only when your Commode recommends a second opinion. Come to the doctor’s office equipped with your own Loo-boratory test results. Never worry again that your personal sample was accidentally switched with some stranger’s. That should be the future of healthcare.

Fitness is in the toilet. Imagine that you are visiting a new place, and all the people have beautiful legs of long distance runners. You would think that the entire community takes part in monthly marathons. You may be wrong. Maybe the place is solely equipped with squat toilets. Squatting will build you beautiful thighs, hips, buttocks and quads. Try.

Etiquette is in the toilet. Imagine that you are visiting this place with nice-legged people, and you notice that they are fiercely avoiding handshakes. You would think that they are afraid of germs. You will be right. You will see water buckets next to the squat toilets. You will understand that they are meant to clean yourself after you do your thing. General guideline is to do it with your left hand (that’s why the common handshake is performed with right), but you never know if the person is a lefty or just confused.

Relationships are in the toilet. So many marriages are ruined by the argument about the toilet seat. It’s a shame. A squat toilet may be an easy solution. But if a civilized couple prefers a sitting Potty, why not go further? With the modern technology, simple sensors can let your Throne acknowledge your approach, lift its lid and invite you to have a sit. Simple voice recognition system can reveal your identity, define your intensions and figure out what to do with the toilet seat. After you are done, the device should automatically close up, flush, ionize, self-clean and deodorize the air. The future of happy marriages is in the toilet.

Heaven is in the toilet. So, you were cordially invited to sit on your technologically-advanced Crapper. Why not go further? Imagine: once you’ve done your thing, a gentle blast of warm water cleans your bottom. Then – butt massage, which relaxes the muscles of the buttocks and helps relieve lower back pain. This is followed by the toilet’s air-dry function. How about some music? Most toilets flush in the key of E flat. That’s boring. Choose your own playlist. Select the track that fits your mood. Add some aromatherapy. If this is not heaven, what is?

Luxury is in the toilet. The “golden toilet” expression stands for something ridiculously expensive and useless. So wrong. Why useless? Chinese people say that every opening of our body should see beautiful things. Gold is beautiful. And practical. It’s much better than iron toilet. Iron is cold and gets corroded. Gold never rusts. We don’t call the toilet “Throne” for nothing. The throne is the most important possession in a man’s castle. Let’s pay it some respect. In gold.

Ancient Israelites called the Toilet “House of Honor”. And we should not refer to it as a dirty place. Quite the opposite, it is a vicinity of purification. It is also a symbol of liberation from what you do not need in this life.

Let’s make it gold. Let’s make it hi-tech. Starting your day off on a toilet with all of these luxury features would probably put a pretty good spin on things. And who can put a price on that feeling?

CUSTOMER SERVICE SUCKS

LOVE CULTURE CUSTOMER SERVICE SUCKS

CUSTOMER CARE IS WASTE OF TIME

Once you are satisfied with unsatisfactory service, you deserve it.

So don’t be content with disservice. Don’t give up. Remember, you are entitled for deluxe.

Let’s do an exercise. Next time you get bad customer service, don’t settle. Fight, stipulate, throw a fit, ask for a supervisor, call your lawyer, bring media attention, say “you’ve lost my business”, say “your rival’s just got my business”, say “you’ll lose your business soon”, call your lawyer…oh wait, you already did. Feel better? Did you scare them? What were they doing? Aha, waiting. Listening. Sympathizing. When you are out of steam, they start explaining how good they are, how good you are, their business is, their products are, their supplier is not, weather today is not, computers are down, your lawyer should not waste his time, global warming is coming, they have the best Customer Service reps in the industry but none of them in this location, gas prices are ridiculous, you have no clue how much they appreciate your business, situation in the Middle East is out of control, your problem can not be solved at this time, what else can they help you with… Okay, you’ve got smart ones. Smart ones with psychology background. They waited until you dumped your anger from the right side of your brain, switched you to your left side, so you would be able to listen and rationalize; and wrecked your attacking momentum. Now you feel confused, embarrassed, unappreciative, neurotic, and you don’t even have a lawyer. All right, we failed the test.

Let’s try something different. Forget the smart ones in identical suits and ties. We’ll conquer the remote customer service via phone. These people lost your application, sent a wrong merchandise to a wrong address three months after you needed it and double-charged you for this transaction. Call them. Be strong. If it sounds like the Customer Rep does not feel sorry enough for all the heartache they caused you, just hang up on him. Bad connection – happens all the time. Call again, try another rep. Another one. Another… There should be someone. They are also people. They can be victims of bad customer service themselves. Found one? Awesome. She shared her own story with you? Made you cry? Feel better now? Got your money back? Oh, I understand. How could you bother the poor lady with your insignificant problem? You are such a warm and sensitive person, yes you are. I am so proud of you.

Okay, let’s try something else. Telemarketing! So what, you hate them? So what, you don’t want whatever they sell? We are talking about good customer service, and we are getting it. Let’s feel the love! Let’s feel on the top of the world! And let’s do it without inviting anyone to our homes, lives and pocketbooks! Did you hear me, you sensitive one? Don’t get involved! You are not buying! You are just getting pampered with some exquisite customer service. So next time they call, you actually pick up. Answer. Let them talk. No, you don’t need to listen. First, just let them talk. Don’t bother to interrupt – no way, they’ll award a tiniest pause to let you interrupt. Wait until they are finished with their 5-minutes script and then ask politely: “can you please repeat this?” They will. This time around you can listen, it will be much slower – they are out of breath. Ask some questions. The dumber the better. A customer has a right to be dumb. A dumb customer should be still granted service. This is how good customer service works. Ask what they can give you for free. Enjoy listening to the answer. Don’t get carried away – free stuff always turns out to be the most expensive. Remember – we are not buying, we are having out-of-ordinary customer service experience. Then show your concern with a couple of “What if“ and “How about” questions. Listen to the answers and feel the love. They really want you. But you are not ready. You need to sleep on it. Actually, hibernate on it, but don’t say this. Remember – they don’t know that you are not buying.  And remember – you are not buying! Be strong. Pledge to call tomorrow. Ask for the person’s name and extension. Don’t be thrifty with ‘thankyouverymuch’. You’ve just received a great therapy session for free. Sorry, what did you say? Not exactly for free? Ah, you did sign up, vulnerable you. Did you need it at all? Then why?  Could not resist the service? Well, at least you got the service you deserve.

FUNNY COMPLAINTS

FUNNY BUSINESS

GE MONEY BANK IS TOO FUNNY

Funny is funny, let’s leave it at that. Having to explain what’s funny is not funny. Explaining humor is like dissecting a frog – few people are interested and the frog dies. Mark Twain said this. Or something like this.

Every other Saturday I meet with my friends and we exchange jokes. Sort of standup comedy party. We are funny, slightly buzzed and very understanding.

I know lot of jokes. People at work often ask me, “Tell something funny”. And I gladly give them funny – original or borrowed.

It was another water cooler break, and my officemates asked me to “tell something funny. “ And I told them this joke:

The woman is in a doctor’s office. She touches her knee with her index finger and yells,”Oh, that hurts!’ Then she touches her cheek and again yells, “Ouch that hurts too.” Then she touches her earlobe. “Yow, even that hurts”, she cries. The doctor gives her an exam and says,”You have a broken finger”.

This is not a really-really funny joke. But it is kind of funny. Everyone laughed. Except Fred. Fred was silent for a while and then said:

-         I did not get it. What’s funny? The woman is in pain, and the doctor can’t find out what’s wrong with her. Is it funny because the doctor is dumb?

-         The doctor is not dumb, – I explained, – he found out that her finger is broken.

-         Then why did her knee hurt?

Our officemates stopped laughing and slowly retreated to their cubicles.

-         Fred, – I said, – her knee did not hurt. Her finger hurt when she touched her knee.

-         And why is it funny? – Fred wanted to know.

-         Because it’s unexpected. Unexpected is funny. Maybe not really-really funny, but kind of funny. – I already regretted that I chose this joke.

-         I see… – Fred was hesitant. He moved to his desk. He looked lost in thought.

An hour later Fred came to my cubicle.

-         It does not make sense.

-         What, Fred?

-         I checked online. Broken finger cannot resonate to knee. Back ache can. But not the finger. And not to the knee. Or cheek. Especially ear. Did you miss some part of the joke? Maybe she also had back problems?

-         No, she only had a broken finger…

-         Then why did she touch her knee?

-         Fred, it does not really matter what part of her body she touched…

-         Ahhh!!! – Fred yelled – I got it now! – Fred looked ecstatic – It is a dirty joke… Did not expect it from you…

God is my witness; I did not want to burst Fred’s bubble. But I said:

-         No, Fred, the joke is clean. Maybe not too funny, but clean.

I tried not to look at Fred. I felt horrible.

After work I found Fred waiting for me at the parking lot.

-         Was she blond? – asked Fred.

-         Who was blond? – I was caught off guard.

-         The lady at the doctor’s. Blonds are dumb. And often clumsy. Maybe she was blond and clumsy, and broke her finger when poking her knee. Maybe she had this fragile bones disease. Like, when it is not enough calcium…or something…

Suddenly I felt very tired.

-         You know, Fred, you are right, she definitely was blond. I just missed this part. See you tomorrow.

A phone ring woke me up. It was three in the morning.

-         Hey, this is Fred. I am calling regarding the doctor joke. I’ve checked with experts. They said, you can’t break your finger by touching your knee. At least an average blond can’t. Even if she has fragile bones…

-         Fred, listen, let it go. It was a dumb joke. Really not funny. Just forget it.

-         Yeah, I thought so too. But then I told my wife this joke. She laughed. Why did she laugh if it is not funny?

-         Is she blond?

-         Who?

-         Your wife…

Fred hung up. Probably he went to wake up his wife and ask about her natural color.

I don’t like dissecting frogs, but this Fred-situation seemed kind of funny. Not really-really finny but kind of. So I decided to write a story about it. Like a comedian routine.

Next Saturday I went to my comedians’ party. I gave this story to my fellow comedian Darren. Darren laughed. And laughed. And laughed. Then he wiped his tears and said:

-         This is hilarious. You need to perform this today in front of everybody. This is really-really funny. I can’t believe how dumb people can be. Your Fred has no sense of humor… like, whatsoever.

And Darren started to laugh again. Then he put his hand on my shoulder:

-         Tell me, – Darren whispered, – Just between us comedians… honestly…why did she touch her knee?